Touch
by tokibee
Summary: They were both outsiders in a world where people constantly bent over backwards to connect to and fit in with one another. Their friendship felt easy. Even the confusing feelings he had about the latest Child, the ones that he really couldn't even bring himself to think that much about, were sort of pleasant in an awkward, private kind of way. [*UPDATE: Chapter 5*]
1. First Contact

With a practiced, unconcious motion Shinji changed the track on his SDAT from 25 to 26 while his other hand idly drifted through the still water of the courtyard fountain. It was a particularly hot day outside and the water had warmed slightly within its stone container, but still felt like relief as he slowly churned it back and forth, removing the hand only to gently shake off the excess water and shield his eyes from the bold sun as he looked up to the windows of his class. It had been a week or so since he had stopped attending school sessions, but he still spent his days outside of the building - arriving just after the last of the straggler students had gone inside and leaving just before the release of the final bell. His heart was too weighed down with shame and sadness to see Kensuke or Hikari. But he needed somewhere to go during the bulk of the day, and the courtyard was familiar and benign, and familiar and benign was all that he wanted. He avoided Misato at all costs - not that she was hard to avoid lately, as she rarely came back to the apartment since the incident with Ritsuko and her confession about Rei.

Shinji dug the palms of his hands into the rough edge of the fountain he was sitting on and sighed. His head hung heavily backwards and he closed his eyes as his face turned up towards the sun. He would probably have to leave soon, walk around for a few hours until night fall. The thought of going back to the apartment at night, now empty of Misato and Asuka, caused a small pang of anxiety in his chest, even though it was hours away. It was not an infrequent feeling to him to simultaneously hate and crave being alone; constantly observing from the outside, never quite building up the courage to go inside. It was a feeling that he had grown accustomed to as a child, and though since coming to Tokyo-3 his inner scale had been tipped more towards the social side, he still always had the feeling that he wasn't quite doing it right, that no one was completely comfortable with him around. He would watch others interact, see how it was so natural to them, and think to himself _Yes, I can do that, I could try_ but it was always so forced and sad and never worked well anyway, even with those whom he spent the most time. Misato could barely even look him in the face anymore.

_It might be better this way._ He thought to himself, and his heart ached against his will.

Suddenly he felt a heaviness shift next to him and became acutely aware that someone was sitting close, close enough to sense but not touching. He jerked up, opening his eyes and pulling his earbuds out.

"Hey." Kaworu looked over at him, his scarlet eyes holding onto Shinji's own dull blue ones.

"Kaworu-kun, hi." Shinji wrapped the dangling wires of his earbuds absently around his hand. "Is school out already?"

"No, there's another hour or so left. But I was bored." Kaworu yawned and stretched his legs out. As pilots, they had the benefit of being able to leave and come to class as they pleased without much question from anyone that mattered. While most teenagers would be thrilled at the prospect of optional schooling, the grim reality was that the reaction was the same whether a pilot would miss class once or stop coming to class altogether - if they died, it was like they never existed.

"Why do you keep sitting in this courtyard every day? I can see you from the window."

"I don't know." Shinji shifted his feet back and forth, embarrassed to have to explain himself, and also a bit shy at the idea of Kaworu watching him from above. "I just can't talk to anyone right now I guess."

"You're talking to me." Kaworu rested his elbows on his thighs, gazing quietly at Shinji.

"Don't be so literal." Shinji sighed, clicking his tongue. "I don't mind talking to you." He could feel Kaworu smile softly at that, but kept his eyes steadied on his shoes.

"Hum." Kaworu looked forward, smile fading slightly at the corners. "If you don't have anywhere you want to go, you can to come over to my place." He hesitated, then added, "I have a television."

Shinji smiled. He and Kaworu had only known each other for a couple of weeks since he had been brought in as the Fifth Child, but Shinji already regarded him as a comfortable friend. Kaworu had a way of being clear and honest and somehow empathetic at the same time, which Shinji appreciated to no end. He also saw a connection between the two of them that had gone relatively undiscussed - like himself, Kaworu seemed to regard touch and affection as something, while interesting, very alien. And though he was confident, Kaworu was obviously very naive in the way of social graces - he said and acted however he felt at the time, and seemed somewhat unaware (or uncaring) when it resulted in the discomfort of others. They were both outsiders in a world where people constantly bent over backwards to connect to and fit in with one another. Their friendship felt easy. Even the confusing feelings he had about the latest Child, the ones that he really couldn't even bring himself to think that much about, were sort of pleasant in an awkward, private kind of way.

"Okay." Shinji accepted the invitation, and Kaworu grinned. "Do you have a hot plate?"

* * *

Shinji balanced the paper bag full of groceries on his hip as the two walked towards Kaworu's apartment building, pausing every so often to readjust.

"You could carry this some of the way, you know." He huffed. Kaworu peered at him from the side of his eyes and smirked.

"You seem very strong." He insisted, sliding his hands into the pockets of his black uniform pants. "I don't think you need any help at all."

"I think you just invited me over so that you don't have to eat instant noodles again."

"Perhaps."

"Bastard." Shinji smiled in spite of himself and paused once more to bolster the bag. "It's so hot out." He whined.

"Tsk, Shinji-kun." Kaworu sighed and reached across Shinji to take the bag into his own arms. "Okay? Stop complaining now."

Shinji laughed. It felt really good to laugh. Even as they walked past destroyed buildings and evacuated neighborhoods that stood with eerie silence, he couldn't help but allow himself to relax a little.

"I like it when you laugh." Kaworu smiled, his eyes warm. Shinji hiccuped with embarrassment.

"Don't be weird." He was glad for once that it was so hot out - he hoped that redness on his skin from the heat would hide the deep blush he could feel creeping across the bridge of his nose.

"Sorry." Kaworu shrugged, but the smile remained, communicating that he wasn't _that_ sorry. "Here it is."

The two walked into a standard efficiency apartment building that looked like every other efficiency apartment building; minimalistic, built and designed with young professionals and old widows in mind. The elevator was slow to come and made an irritatingly loud buzz when it did.

"You're really lucky that the elevators still work here after all the power rationing." Shinji noted as he leaned against the cool metal railing that lined the inside of small box.

"I usually take the stairs, but I've never carried groceries with me before, so it's a day for new experiences, yes?" Kaworu responded as they stepped out of the elevator and into his unit. Shinji glanced around. It was small. Very small. Straight as you walked in was the futon, pressed against the back wall in the corner. The wall on it's right side had a modest bookshelf built into it. A small table that sat to the left supported a small television, a cheap DVD player with a few movie cases stacked on top, and a speaker dock for an MP3 player. Turning immediately to the left was a short hallway that was also the kitchen, a bit of counterspace, a hot plate, a mini-fridge and some cupboards lining the left side. An occillating fan was blowing gently between the kitchen and the bedroom. The bathroom was at the end of the hallway. Despite its potential for clutter, the small space was admirably clean and organized, and if Kaworu felt annoyed at how cramped his living space was he didn't exhibit this attitude as he unpacked the groceries.

"This is nice..." Shinji said, wanting to be complimentary but not seeing much upon which to compliment. Kaworu smiled and gave Shinji a knowing side glance.

"You can make yourself comfortable." He said, folding the paper back neatly and setting it gently on the counter. "I apologize for the heat - I don't have an air conditioner." He bent down to the small refrigerator and pulled out two water bottles, tossing one to Shinji and twisting the cap off of the other before closing his eyes and taking a long drink.

"Thank you." Shinji smiled as he sat down on the edge of the futon. "And I don't mind the heat so much. Is it okay if I hang my uniform shirt up somewhere?"

"Oh, yeah." Kaworu said, setting the bottle down and opening a small closet door next to the bathroom. "In fact, you can borrow a pair of shorts if you want. They might be a little long." He dug a pair of black cotton lounge shorts and carried them over, exchanging them for Shinji's white uniform button-down shirt. He walked back over to the closet and carefully wrapped the shirt around a hanger before unbuttoning his own and placing it in a small hamper at the bottom of the closet. Then, without hesitation or embarrassment, the pants came off.

Shinji could feel the heat building in his face and he tilted his head down, hoping to give off the illusion that he wasn't looking at Kaworu at all as his pale companion slid one lean leg out of the structured black trousers, then the other, before tossing them into the hamper. But Shinji couldn't help himself as he peered ever so slightly up with his eyes, too paralysed with shyness to turn around or even move. Kaworu had no reason to leave the room as he stood in his boxers and changed from his t-shirt to a tank top; they had changed in front of each other many times in the locker rooms at NERV, but this environment was so much more intimate and Shinji felt for the first time that he was really _looking_ at his friend. He felt intrusive and, more strangely, excited. Kaworu was...pretty.

"C-can...um...can I use the rest room?" He finally spat out, wringing the borrowed pair of shorts in his hands.

"Mm? Oh yes, it's just right there." Kaworu motioned his thumb behind him as he slid a pair of loose shorts over his boxers, as if in his tiny apartment anyone needed directions on how to get to anything.

"Thanks!" Shinji quickly moved past him in order to give Kaworu no reason to notice how red his face was and closed the door. He changed into the shorts, then stood for a moment and looked in the mirror.

_Okay._ He thought to himself as his breathing steadied. _Okay, that was a little weird._ Why was it even weird to him, though? What did it matter if Kaworu was momentarily in his boxers? He folded his uniform pants, firmly reprimanding himself for getting so worked up over nothing. _You're just not used to having close friends and Kaworu-kun could be a close friend at some point. It's hot, and you're overexcited, and you should probably eat something._ Yes, that was it - he hadn't eaten yet today, and with the heat he was probably just feeling faint and jittery. No problem. He took a deep breath before stepping out of the bathroom.

"Thanks, I feel a lot cooler now." Shinji placed his pants in the closet. "Do you mind if I start cooking?

* * *

Kaworu sat cross-legged on his futon, facing Shinji who was cheerfully prepping his vegetables. The rice bubbled inside the cooker. He would pan-fry the small fishes last. They had been chatting about music (classical) and movies (American westerns), and Shinji felt himself growing happier by the second. It was if a blazing ray of normalcy had burst into his life and was allowing his heart to take a deep, cleansing breath.

"What are those?" Kaworu asked, pointing to the small bunch of hard, red spheres that Shinji was rinsing under the cold tap.

"Radishes." He replied. "I cut them into slices and put them in the pan for a few minutes. They're really good. Here." He twisted a small radish off the bunch and held it out for Kaworu to see. "You can have one raw."

Kaworu bent his head slightly to one side and stood, slipping his hands into his pockets and walking over. He leaned over, examining the small red ball carefully before casting a skeptical look up to Shinji.

"What? Just try it!" Shinji insisted. "Eat some real food for once."

Kaworu shrugged and looked back at the radish for another second before taking it carefully into his mouth, directly from Shinji's fingers. Shinji swallowed hard as he felt the soft brush of Kaworu's lips against his fingertips and quickly withdrew his now-trembling hand. Kaworu munched carefully.

"It tastes like water." He finally said, then added, "I like it."

Shinji nodded, briefly unable to speak, and became very interested in slicing. There was what felt like a hot ember in his belly; he concentrated on quenching it.

"Can you show me how to do that?" Kaworu asked, peering over Shinji's shoulder, his shaggy silver hair lightly caressing Shinji's ear. The ember grew hotter.

"Ye-ah...yes!" Shinji's voice rose an octave. "You slice the ends off, like this. Then I like to slice it two more times, through the center, so you get three thin slices." He demonstrated. "Here, you do it next." He said, handing the knife to Kaworu and stepping aside. Kaworu held a radish awkwardly between his fingers and placed in on the cutting board, aiming the knife clumsily, and cut a chunk off the side.

"Here, you're going to cut yourself if you hold it like that." Shinji sighed, taking Kaworu's dominant hand in his own and readjusting the handle. "There, like this." He looked up at Kaworu and was surprised to see the faintest brush of pink at the top of his porcelain cheek bones.

"Thank you." Kaworu smiled, finishing off two more radishes. "I'm sorry, I've never done this before."

"Oh, well that's okay." Shinji replied. "You have to start somewhere I guess." The blush had disappeared, and Shinji dismissed it as the result of him of being shy about his cooking skills.

* * *

Kaworu gave the counter one last wipe-down. Shinji sat on the futon with his back against the wall, having busied himself with a magazine once Kaworu had made it clear that he would do all the cleaning up after dinner. He had taken a few opportunities to gaze at his friend washing dishes in his black tank top, silver hair spilling over his face, smiling and humming along to the music playing from the MP3 dock. He couldn't concentrate on anything and only flipped through the glossy pages to make it look like he was actually reading something. It was no secret to himself that he had some unresolved feelings about Kaworu, but until today he had managed to get along fine without really even thinking about them. Did Kaworu notice? Was he intentionally trying to prod Shinji with his faint touches? Did he know what he was doing, or was Shinji overreacting? Maybe this was just how friends acted around each other and he wasn't even aware. It didn't help when Kaworu, done cleaning, came and sat next to Shinji on the futon - not so close that they were touching, but close enough that any movement on either of their parts resulted in a light brushing of an arm or a leg. Kaworu sighed, putting his hands behind his head and closing his eyes, seemingly content to listen to music in silence. Shinji remained frozen, trying to sort through the hundred thoughts racing through his mind.

"Hey, Shinji-kun." Kaworu spoke up and turned his face towards Shinji. Shinji was sure of it this time - he was blushing.

"Yeah?" Shinji responded when Kaworu didn't continue.

"Do you like me?"

"Of course, we're friends." Shinji balled his hands together, staring down at them. He knew Kaworu could see how red his face was becoming; there was no hiding it from this distance.

"Do you like me as more than a friend?" Kaworu elaborated quietly. Shinji stiffened - the inside of his chest turned to ice. How could he even start to answer that?

"I...I don't know..." He stumbled, glancing up at Kaworu. "I...I think I do. But I'm not sure what that means. I'm..." He tried to hide his face in his hands, unable to look at Kaworu's probing stare any longer. "I'm sorry. I would understand if you wanted me to go."

"No, Shinji-kun." Kaworu said softly, leaning in closer. Shinji could feel the breath of Kaworu's words against his ear, and he realized he was shaking slightly. "I don't want you to leave. I wanted you to say yes, because I like you. More than a friend." He paused. "I hope that is okay?"

Shinji lowered his hands from his face and met Kaworu's eyes with his own. He felt so relieved and terrified at the same time, but managed a nod.

"Shinji-kun..." Kaworu continued, looking a little shy. "Would it be okay if I held your hand?" When Shinji only stared without answering, Kaworu explained. "I haven't touched or been touched very much in my life, and what I've experienced hasn't been nice...but I like touching and being touched by you." He looked down, blushing only slightly, and smiled. "I just thought...if you liked me as I like you, maybe holding hands would be a nice thing for us to do?"

Shinji never thought a heart could break in a lovely way, but he felt that very sensation as Kaworu spoke. He had made such a simple request and yet was such a profound reflection of Shinji's own life experience. How nice it would be to touch and be touched without fear, without hurt. He had all but given up on such a feeling, and yet there it was, barely six inches away. He nodded again. Kaworu smiled and softly placed his hand on top of Shinji's. For a few moments the pair didn't move, feeling the moment out, riding the sensation, and then they slowly began to relax, resting their backs against the wall once more. Shinji closed his eyes and sighed. Kaworu, gradually, with painstaking gentleness, began to intertwine each of his fingers between Shinji's, until they both were putting equal pressure into the hold, fingers wrapped around each other in affectionate embrace.

It seemed like an eternity passed. The MP3 player randomly chose and played songs - how many had played? A few? A hundred? The sun was setting behind the cheap vinyl blinds, but neither of them made an effort to turn a light on as the room turned from orange to red to a deepening indigo.

Shinji felt a surge of warmth fill his heart. It suddenly occurred to him how safe he felt in this moment. And how wanted. It was something that he had felt from the instant that they first shook hands, something strange and foreign but at the same time somehow soft and comforting, scary and desirable. Each interaction with Kaworu had filled him with a little more need of this, this feeling he wasn't sure he wanted or even deserved before, but now craved more than anything. That someone wanted him to be there, next to them, and wanted to touch him and wanted him to touch them. The sudden joy he felt was almost too much to bear.

"Kaworu-kun?" He murmured, pulling his knees up to his chest.

"Mm?" Kaworu opened one eye and met Shinji's imploring gaze.

"Can I...would you mind if I sat closer to you?"

Kaworu smiled wide and shook his head. He let go of Shinji's hand and raised his arm up and out in invitation. Shinji shifted his weight into Kaworu's side, his arm wrapping around Kaworu's torso as Kaworu's settled on his shoulders, pulling him in closer. Their faces drew near and Kaworu put a pale hand delicately to Shinji's cheek. Shinji closed his eyes and tilted his face into the touch as the hand slowly slid down to to cup his chin with cautious fingers. He knew he felt anxious, somewhere deep down, but he also felt so comfortable and so thrilled and so adored that he could barely give any attention to that fearful part of him.

"Is this okay?" Kaworu whispered as he drew Shinji's face closer, and Shinji wanted to yell as loud as he could yes, yes it's more than okay, but he could barely manage a breathless nod before Kaworu pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. The ember in the pit of his stomach was now an inferno and Shinji was surprised when he found himself deepening the kiss, wrapping both his arms around Kaworu's neck and pressing his chest forcefully against Kaworu's. Kaworu made a small, startled moan in the back of his throat, but his body reacted with welcome in its movements, one arm snaking around Shinji's waist while the other hand buried itself in Shinji's dark hair. Shinji now understood that he had been _starving_, starving for this, so much so that he could not even be bothered to feel embarrassed at how utterly and uncharacteristically forward he was being. His hands slid into Kaworu's hair, fingers tangling into the soft silver mess, then slid down his neck to his chest.

"Your heart..." Shinji noted quietly as the two paused to catch their breath. "It's beating so fast."

"Faster than yours?" Kaworu grinned and pushed his own hand against Shinji's chest.

"Probably not." Shinji smiled. Kaworu brushed his nose against Shinji's neck, and Shinji sighed in approval.

"I'm enjoying myself with you, Shinji-kun." He purred, kissing across Shinji's collarbone. "You're welcome to stay over night. We could watch a movie."

"Um. I would like that." Shinji said, his stomach doing a small backflip. "Do you have any popcorn?"

* * *

They had gotten through three and a half movies and two and a half bags of popcorn when the sun started to peak over the horizon and cast a few streams of light into the room. Shinji lay on his side facing the television, occassionally reaching down to grab a handful of popcorn to hand to Kaworu. Kaworu was nestled against his back, one arm propping himself up and the other draped across Shinji. Every so often he would lift this hand to absently comb it through Shinji's hair or lean his head down to place an affectionate peck on a blushing cheek. Shinji had the distinct impression that Kaworu spent far more time looking down at him than he did watching any of the movies. He didn't mind that at all. This room had turned into a small universe within the progression of the night; Shinji's mind was full of Kaworu, and he shyly wanted to be the only thing on Kaworu's mind as well.

"Mmm...Shinji-kun..." Kaworu sighed, slightly sliding the tips of his fingers up underneath Shinji's t-shirt. "The sun is rising. Turn towards me, let me see your face."

"You spend too much time looking at me, Kaworu-kun." Shinji insisted half-heartedly as he complied with the request, shifting his body so that he was facing Kaworu's half-lidded eyes.

"You are my greatest blessing." Kaworu said quietly, staring directly into Shinji's gaze. "Please don't be offended if I watch you as often as I do. It's just that it brings me joy to look at you."

"Ah...I'm sorry..." Shinji averted his eyes as Kaworu pulled him in closer, pale fingers gently brushing further up his t-shirt as Kaworu left tiny kisses on his neck. "I just...I don't know how to react to all of this, I guess..."

"Do you dislike it?" Kaworu asked against his ear. Shinji shook his head.

"No...I just don't understand it."' He confessed. He was disappointed in himself - he heard his words come out wimpy and ungrateful.

"I don't either." Kaworu responded plainly. "This companionship...is new, and different than anything I've had in the past. But I don't have to understand it to know it makes me happy. Happier than I've ever felt before."

Shinji listened, a little stunned. Kaworu not understand something? Not know something? He felt a sensation not unlike forgiveness trickle into his mind. If Kaworu could just let go and enjoy this, maybe that meant that he could, also.

"Shinji-kun..." Kaworu continued. "Is it okay that I love you? Will you let me love you?"

And there it was. Shinji threw his forearm across his eyes automatically as the tears built up and spilled over. Something, somewhere inside...he could feel it breaking. Something hard and old was crumbling down and it was overwhelming and frightening but also relieving, so relieving. Through the smouldering rubble Shinji felt Kaworu lowering his arm from his face and the soft touch of Kaworu's lips as they kissed each and every tear, starting down at his chin and working slowly up to his eyes and then back down again, over and over until the crying stopped and their lips met in a tender and loving kiss. Every touch he felt as Kaworu traced fingers along his spine seemed to him as if it landed upon an exposed nerve; his barrier had been torn down and his skin was naked and young to this world. That gnawing sensation in his belly, that desperate hunger, arose once more. He could feel the flame in his abdomen seeping down, down into his legs and up again into his chest, and he realized that, with all of the caresses and kisses Kaworu was bestowing upon his body, he had become suddenly unbearably hard.

"Kaworu-kun..." Shinji whispered, desire outweighing hesitation. "Will...will you touch me more?"

"Mm..." Kaworu kissed the inside of Shinji's wrist and looked up at him. The heat that he felt in his stomach he could see blazing through ruby eyes and he knew instantly that Kaworu held the same want in his heart. "Show me."

Shinji's hand shook as he clasped his fingers around Kaworu's thin wrist. He first placed the white palm firmly against his chest, unsure of how to continue, but instinct inevitably took over and he slowly drug his hand down his sternum to his abdomen, halting at the belt line of the borrowed black cotton shorts. Although he wanted this so badly, he found himself stuck, unable to move any further.

But Kaworu needed no additional instruction. He grabbed the shorts at the edge in a tight and authoritative fist and yanked Shinji by the waist, pushing their lower halves together. Shinji squeezed his eyes shut and gasped as he felt Kaworu's stiff erection press against his own.

"Look at me." Kaworu begged, and Shinji complied, opening his eyes. Kaworu's face was etched with longing and Shinji could feel himself involuntarily rubbing himself against Kaworu's hardness. Kaworu's eyelids lowered and brows furrowed; the red hue on his cheeks spread. Shinji sighed, unable to form words. He could hardly believe that he was the one causing Kaworu to make such a face. Without even realizing what he was doing, he clumsily inched his hand inside Kaworu shorts and lightly slid it down his stiff member. Kaworu let out a strained cry as his head jerked back and his pelvis pushed forward into Shinji's hand. He looked so beautiful and Shinji felt like crying.

"I love you!" He finally choked out as Kaworu's hand shot down to return his touch, fingers delicately caressing the tip of his swollen head. "I love you, Kaworu..." He knew in that moment that he meant it, maybe more than anything he had ever said. Kaworu was pushing everything away; with every touch, grip, and kiss he was pushing everything that wasn't love out of Shinji, and all Shinji could do as their stroking became rougher and faster was cry out his love over and over again. Kaworu took his free hand and slid Shinji's shorts down then quickly followed suit with his own, pressing his exposed member against Shinji's and encircling them both with his long fingers. Shinji let out a lustful sob and grabbed at the front of Kaworu's tank top, desperately clinging to him.

"Kaworu...I...hah...ah...I'm...I'm..." Shinji panted, unable to finish his sentence as the tightness in his stomach began to unravel. This was so different, so much better than when he touched himself alone. He wanted to tell Kaworu this, but he was interrupted by Kaworu's own jagged words.

"This is...so strange...amazing..." Kaworu moaned against Shinji's mouth before kissing his lips softly, then firmly, their mouths opening slightly with each kiss. Shinji felt a whimper catch in his throat as Kaworu's tongue gently licked at his lips and he found himself breathless, failing to be able to form a full thought it is own mind.

_So good..._Words and images floated through his brain as Kaworu nipped at his ear, his the grip against their strained erections twisting and pulling rhythmically. _So nice ... warm ... hot ... oh ... faster ...there ... here ... now ... love ... Kaworu ... love ... lover ... now ... now ... now ...!_

"Kaworu...!" He panted urgently. He could feel himself quickly becoming undone and knew he was unable to stop or even slow it from happening. He opened his eyes slightly, peering through his straggly bangs, and saw Kaworu staring straight through his eyes - his silver hair was mussed and plastered around his flushed face with sweat, and he was smiling.

"I love you." He said softly, smile not wavering, gaze unbroken, and Shinji felt himself engulfed in flames as he came. He kept his focus on Kaworu as the waves of orgasm overtook his body and saw his blood-red eyes widen at the sight of Shinji writhing in his grasp. Kaworu's eyes rolled back slightly and his grip came to a halt and tightened. Shinji felt Kaworu's orgasm shuddering against his own and he felt elated as his body relaxed entirely back onto the bed, exhausted in a new and wonderful way that he never thought possible. Kaworu shifted and embraced Shinji, who gratefully accepted the show of affection by nuzzling his forehead under the taller boy's chin. Neither made a move to straighten their clothing or cover up; they just held each other, letting the sweat from the summer heat and the excitement drip down their bodies

"Are you alright?" Kaworu sighed, still catching his breath.

"Mm, yes." Shinji answered, his eye lids suddenly heavy as he tried to shimmy out of his stained shorts, which were half off at this point. "It's so hot in here."

"I know. I'm sorry." Kaworu murmured and reached down to help Shinji take his shorts off, then removed his own. Shinji wrapped his arms around Kaworu's waist and buried his face into his now-lover's chest, breathing in the smell of sweat and cum and heat radiating from his skin. Kaworu held Shinji close, drifting the fingers of one hand through his dark hair and settling at the nape of his neck.

"It's okay." Shinji yawned. "It feels nice with you."

Shinji could feel Kaworu smile above him as they both drifted off to sleep, the sunlight from the new morning flooding in and forming a blanket of warmth over their bodies.


	2. One With Me

_Thanks to all the positive feedback and followers! I think this is going to be a longer and more complex story than I originally planned. I hope you all enjoy it. 3_

* * *

The pair awakened a few hours later by the electronic beep of Shinji's cell phone, muffled only slightly by the sheet that had slipped from the bed to cover it on the floor. They woke slowly, still somewhat exhausted from the lack of sleep and their rigorous activities, their legs and arms entwined tightly as if their bodies anticipated being wrenched away from one another in their dreams. Shinji groaned and wrinkled his face in annoyance.

"It's headquarters." He gruffly whined into Kaworu's chest. No one else had a reason to call him. Or ever did.

"Should I fetch your phone for you?" Kaworu yawned, shifting as if to sit up. Shinji grasped tighter to him in response, and Kaworu complied with the silent request, resting back down onto the bed.

"Can I...can I just not answer it right now?" Shinji sighed, looking up at Kaworu's inquisitive stare. "They'll call back. I just...need a few minutes."

"Of course." Kaworu smiled and hugged Shinji to him as the ringing came to a close. "You look very cute when you've just woken up." Shinji fidgeted with embarrassment but resigned himself to the compliment. He was still-half naked (and a bit sticky), after all; no sense in being too shy.

"I should take a shower..." Shinji pulled anxiously down at the edge of his t-shirt, suddenly concerned that he might put Kaworu off looking the way that he did now that the lust had died down a bit. Kaworu had none of this.

"Come here." He grinned mischievously, turning onto his back and pulling Shinji up and on top of him. Shinji's face tingled and he was sure his entire body had turned red with bashfulness. Kaworu let out a small laugh and kissed Shinji's forehead playfully as Shinji awkwardly tried to hide his face against Kaworu's breastbone.

"You're not upset at me not answering the phone?" Shinji asked as he shifted into an upright position, straddling Kaworu's pale body between his own olive-toned legs, still pulling down at the front of his shirt.

"Why would I be?" Kaworu asked, gently pulling Shinji's hands away from his shirt and placing them under his own. Shinji shuddered at the feeling of Kaworu's smooth skin moving down his fingers as Kaworu slid his hands up his chest.

"Well...it's my responsibility to be a pilot." He mumbled, trying to press his legs together and hide his developing hard-on. It didn't help when he felt Kaworu's hardness begin to grow underneath him.

"I don't love you because you're a pilot." Kaworu said as he sat up, reaching around Shinji's back and pulling him close as Shinji wrapped his legs around Kaworu's thin torso. Shinji's erection pressed hot against Kaworu's belly and he could feel his breath come out in skips and leaps. He swallowed hard and felt his eyes water, both at the tender way in which Kaworu drew him near and the kindness his words of love brought to his heart.

"Then?" He whispered, voice breaking as Kaworu brushed his lips slowly up his throat. "How could you love someone like me?" Kaworu placed a small kiss on the underside of Shinji's chin before placing his hands on each blushing cheek, gently turning Shinji's gaze to match his own.

"I will love you always." He said quietly, voice desperate with sincerity. "I feel...that I must have loved you since long before. So I do not need a reason. But if it calms you to hear it, I love to look at you. I love to hear your voice, and listen to the things you say. And when your body is close to mine in this way," he sighed and rested his chin on Shinji's shoulder, "I feel whole somehow."

Shinji's tears silently struck against Kaworu's shoulders; his chest shivered with breathy sobs. Kaworu was so much more than he could ever be. He felt selfish, evil almost, by even accepting that he was worthy of being loved by someone like him. But he knew that he couldn't bring himself to let go of it. He knew that he was past the point of living life as if Kaworu had never come into it. Even more strange was the feeling that this was not the first time that Kaworu had wrapped his understanding arms around his shoulders and held him as he cried. He felt as if Kaworu had always been there, that Kaworu was the hope he had inexplicably drawn from within himself in times of despair throughout his whole life; personified, made flesh. That, even though Kaworu had just entered into his world, he had always been his reason to go on, to keep living.

Shinji sharply sucked in his breath as another ringtone sounded - this time, Kaworu's. Kaworu sighed and smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry, I should get that." He said. "I don't think they'll be as forgiving of me if I don't answer." Shinji wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and nodded, attempting to crawl off his companion as Kaworu reached over and grabbed his phone from the night stand.

"Yes, hello?" He answered, pulling Shinji back into his lap with his free hand, shaking his head with a light-hearted sternness at the brunette's attempt to escape. "Yes. Yes. Understood. Yes, I will. Goodbye." He set the phone back down and frowned.

"What's going on?" Shinji asked, pouting a bit in response to Kaworu's change in expression.

"That was Ibuki-san. Synch testing is resuming today. For both of us." He responded. Shinji's eyes widened.

"Synch testing? But Ritsuko is..." Shinji trailed off. No one seemed to know where Ritsuko was. Or at least no one would tell him.

"Deputy Commander Fuyutsuki will be overseeing the tests, apparently." Kaworu replied. "Misato-san is out of town also."

"Oh." Shinji responded quietly. She hadn't even left him a message saying where she had gone. "The tests are soon?"

"In an hour." Kaworu nodded. "I have to go, but if you would like to stay here, I would not object."

"No." Shinji said decisively. "If you're going, then I'm going."

"Well then." Kaworu smiled. "I suppose we should take those showers now?"

* * *

Shinji and Kaworu changed silently in the NERV containment area. Though he was glad for Kaworu's company within the cold steel walls, he could not shake the odd feeling that came over him now that Rei and Asuka were absent. Asuka's chatter would fill and echo through the room; Rei's silhouette would shrink and expand as she moved quietly about on the other side of the translucent divider. Now they both were in the hospital; each in intensive care units, but for very different reasons. He had not gotten used to being at NERV without them.

Shinji emerged from the decontamination shower and carefully stepped into the slick material of the plug suit. Kaworu had already finished; the powerful hissing sound of the suit forming itself to his body expressed itself loudly within the locker room. Shinji looked up as he pulled his up and over his waist and caught Kaworu half turned around and staring at him, frozen like a deer caught in a strong light. Shinji fumbled with his suit, slightly frozen himself, as Kaworu kept a steady gaze on his body. No, it felt more like Shinji was the deer - Kaworu was the hunter.

"What?!" He finally exclaimed when Kaworu would not move or even blink. Kaworu pursed his lips together firmly and walked over as Shinji backed away, his shoulders bumping up against the wall behind him. Kaworu's hand shot out, his palm slapping against the tile next to Shinji's head, his other reaching down to take one of Shinji's wrists. Shinji awkwardly clung at his plug suit with his free hand, attempting to cover as much as possible. Kaworu's face hovered inches away and looked calm, but Shinji could see his chest heaving in and out with impatience.

"Can I not just look at you, Shinji?" He asked finally, moving in closer. He paused, then smiled. "Or must I always touch, then?" Shinji moaned a little, his hand beginning to lower his plug suit almost involuntarily. A bit of his sense remained, however.

"We're under surveillance here." He managed to whisper, his heart pounding violently away as his knees began to quiver beneath him. Kaworu seemed to consider this for a moment, as if he wasn't sure if he could be bothered to care. Then he nodded and took a deep breath, stepping back and turning away casually as if nothing had happened.

"I'll meet you at the dock." He called out, leaving the room and Shinji, half naked and shaking with desire, behind him.

* * *

"This is excellent work, you two." Fuyutsuki spoke into the intercom, his voice patching through to both plugs. "You're free to go. Please be available tomorrow afternoon. Ibuki will message you with details once we've confirmed our schedule." He stood upright and motioned for Maya to cut the communication line.

"I suppose this is something to be happy about." He sighed, browsing over the results on the screen.

"Yes, Nagisa-kun's scores are excellent, as always." Maya confirmed. "And Shinji's scores have improved dramatically since the last test."

"Indeed." Fuyutsuki nodded solemnly. "However, that doesn't make up for the fact that we are down to only two pilots now."

"The other branches are holding off on volunteering their pilot candidates after what's happened recently." Hyuga chimed in.

"Not that it seems to make a difference, since apparently The Marduke Institute is no longer being consulted before pilots are sent over." Fuyutsuki responded, focusing his attention on Kaworu's image on screen. "I'm not sure what to think about this boy."

"Commander, I should probably mention this." Maya contributed hesitantly. "My recent reports say that the Fifth Child has had significant contact with the Third lately."

"In what context?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "I assume that they're schoolmates in addition to being co-pilots."

"Yes, according to our agents, their interaction has been mostly related to work and school up until yesterday." Maya continued. "However, Shinji has not been attending classes for the last several days, and then he stayed with Nagisa-kun at his residence last night."

"Is his guardian aware of this? They're teenage boys after all, fraternization is to be expected."

"Unknown, but unlikely. Major Katsuragi has been at the Germany branch for the last two days."

"Have our agents place surveillance bugs inside the Fifth Child's unit." Gendo's decisive order came from the command station above. "Have them do it immediately. And increase our watch on the Third Child."

"Is that absolutely necessary, sir?" Maya was surprised. NERV was as top secret as it got, but spying on teenage boys, one of whom was his son, seemed slightly extreme.

"No contradictions. Make it happen." Gendo replied dispassionately, standing and turning to leave. "Commander Fuyutsuki, please meet me in my office as soon as you can."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

"Congratulations on your scores today, Shinji." Kaworu offered happily, removing the attachments from his hair and shaking it out slightly.

"Oh...thank you." Shinji replied. "I did much better than our last test. But...that was a bad week, I guess."

"Your Eva responds to how open your mind and your heart are." Kaworu mused, his suit releasing around him. "You must be having a better week."

Shinji nodded and smiled, loosening the material of his collar from his neck. He glanced over to Kaworu, who was stepping out of the amorphous plug suit shell. He really was beautiful, from head to toe. Shinji looked back down at himself as he deflated his own suit. He could not compare. But the fact that Kaworu found him desirable made him see slightly more value in his form.

"Kaworu?" He asked, pulling his arm out of a sleeve. Kaworu, wrapping himself in a towel before stepping into the shower stall, turned around. "Would you mind...if I came over to your place again, after this?"

"You don't have to ask that." Kaworu smiled, running a hand through his messy silver hair. "My home is your home."

"Ah...okay." Shinji smiled in return. "Thank you.

"You're welcome, but..." Kaworu paused, shifting his feet back and forth. Shinji recognized the look of restraint coming over his face - just like it had earlier, before the test. "Don't stop...what you're doing."

At first Shinji was confused, and then he felt his face flush - Kaworu meant to not stop undressing. At first he couldn't move, just stood dumbfounded, but Kaworu waited patiently, leaning against the entrance of the stall. Seeing Kaworu stand there, want burning through his scarlet eyes, gave Shinji a rush of bravery - Kaworu couldn't touch him just yet, but he could watch him. Shinji's hand shook slightly as he pulled his other sleeve off; his bare shoulders, traced with goosebumps, rose and fell with his heavy breaths. Kaworu's face had it's characteristic demure smile, but Shinji could see the blush painting across his face and chest, even from across the room. He pulled down the suit, peeling it off his ribs, letting it fall from his torso and hang from his boney hips. Kaworu's eyes widened - he was captivated. Shinji shivered, exposed, and was beginning to tug the material down even further when Kaworu interrupted.

"Enough, Shin-chan." He sighed, straightening himself up. "I shouldn't have...I really shouldn't watch any further. Not here." He grinned, and turned into the stall. "You're beautiful. Meet me out front when you're finished. I need a cold shower."

* * *

Shinji towelled his hair one last time before slinging his overnight bag over his shoulder and walking towards the exit. He always kept the bag and extra sets of clothing in his locker - this was the first time he actually was using them. He had changed into a clean school uniform, mainly out of habit. He nearly floated out the door; he could hardly to get out of headquarters, out into the fresh air, and into Kaworu's apartment again. Whenever he was in NERV he was almost overwhelmed by sadness, anxiety, terror. The walls smelled of sterility and he always had the faint taste of blood lingering in the back of his throat. Each time he swiped his card and walked through the sliding doors it was like walking into a waking nightmare. What a sweet relief it was to have somewhere to go now, somewhere other than Misato's or school. Somewhere unattached to painful memories and the profound sense of disappointment.

He found Kaworu at the bottom of the steps, near the exit. He smiled as he saw Shinji approach.

"You have supplies?" He motioned towards the black duffel bag bag.

"Oh...yeah, I always kept this in my locker. It's just extra clothes, toothbrush, stuff like that." Shinji responded as they both headed towards the card reader.

"Ah...moving in, are you?" Kaworu grinned, swiping his ID, causing the gate to lift open and allow their exit.

"Oh! No! I just thought..." Shinji stuttered, flustered. He felt silly. Maybe he was being too forward. The gate slammed shut behind them.

"I'm only joking!" Kaworu laughed, noticing how discomposed Shinji had become. "I'm sorry, please don't be embarrassed."

"It's okay." Shinji smiled meekly, instantly relieved. "For a second I thought maybe I was being sort of clingy."

"No, of course not." Kaworu reassured, and as if to solidify his point, wrapped his arm around Shinji's waist and pulled him close as they walked. "I am a little sad that you don't want to move in, to be honest."

"Really?" Shinji looked up at him, surprised. "Your place is so small. Wouldn't it be a bother?"

"Neither of us take up much space." Kaworu teased. "Anyway, I would be happy if you were around all the time. It wouldn't be a bother at all."

Shinji stayed silent for a moment. Staying at Kaworu's place seemed wonderful at first thought. His sense of practicality objected - as close as they were becoming, he had only known Kaworu for a short period of time. But he was so uncomfortable at Misato's now. And, if he were being honest with himself, he lived with the knowledge that each day he woke up might be the day he died. Each Angel attack was a threatening battle, each Eva test was an opportunity for mishap and disaster. What was the point in taking anything slowly any more? As if he had heard this entire thought process, Kaworu spoke up.

"There's no need to decide anything about it this second." He said. "You should be wherever you are most happy." He went to take another step forward, but Shinji grabbed his wrist suddenly and pulled him back, closer to him.

"With you." Shinji said. His voice shook slightly, but it was strong. "I'm most happy with you. I want to live with you." Kaworu blinked, taken aback, then smiled softly.

"As you wish." He said, reaching up and stroking Shinji's cheek with the back of his fingers. Shinji closed his eyes and allow himself to feel it - the soft skin of each finger, the ridges of the knuckles, the warmness of the flesh. He breathed in deeply, lifting himself up onto his toes, and leaned in for a kiss.

"Security agents...they might be watching." Kaworu murmured as he lowered his face, brushing his forehead against Shinji's gently.

"I don't care." Shinji whispered. Kaworu did not need another prompt. He kissed him tenderly on the mouth, Shinji's arms wrapping around his back in a light hug. Kaworu returned the embrace, their faces parting, and they smiled at one another before continuing their walk, hand in hand.

From a distance, an unmarked car slowly followed them, unnoticed.

* * *

Shinji had not even gotten a chance to put his things away. Kaworu had him pinned down on the bed like a butterfly to a card, examining him like a specimen under glass. His mouth felt hot against Shinji's own; his normally delicate touches became rough and desperate. It made Shinji feel dizzy and gluttonous - so fast, so much. His whole body shook with excitement, and when he tried to start unbuttoning his shirt Kaworu grabbed it at the center and tore it open, causing the small buttons to pop off in every direction. Shinji had no time to react before Kaworu was tugging at his under-shirt, pulling it quickly over his head so that he was bare from the waist up.

"Beautiful..."Kaworu sighed against his chest as he kissed his bare skin, his tongue trailing down his belly. Shinji felt is abdomen tense up and his hips push forward slightly.

"Yours..." He breathed. "Please take yours off, Kaworu..."

Kaworu lifted himself up, straddling Shinji's pelvis between his thighs, and pulled his t-shirt up and over his head, his silver hair spilling down over his face as he tossed it aside. He looked warmly down at Shinji; the paleness of his lean, toned chest was accentuated by the dimness of the room.

"You ask for things so gently, Shinji..." He smiled. "Am I...being too forward?"

Shinji shook his head. Not too forward, but forward all the same - the Kaworu that was hovering over him was different; assertive, dominant. It was a strange new facet of him. He surely seemed somewhat otherworldly just in his everyday persona, but what Shinji was seeing was something else. As Kaworu gazed down upon him, he appeared simultaneously both more divine and more human, a fascinating contradiction that made Shinji tremble to witness. He could tell that Kaworu was aware of his own potential to be frightening. But Shinji was not afraid.

"No..." Shinji confirmed. "You...seeing you like this...I like it..." Kaworu's smile remained, but behind his eyes a wildness was growing.

"Do you know..." He began, lowering himself onto Shinji once more, "...what your voice sounds like right now?" He pressed himself between Shinji's legs, slowly rubbing himself back and forth, and Shinji groaned under the heavy friction.

"Please..." Shinji did not know for what he was begging, but whatever it was, he needed it.

"Ah, 'please, please'..." Kaworu ran his hands down Shinji's chest, allowing his fingernails to lightly drag against his skin down to his belt buckle, which he slowly began to unfasten. "I don't think I'll ever tire of hearing that."

"Don't tease me..." Shinji whined.

"No teasing." Kaworu grinned, pulling Shinji's trousers down, Shinji's hips rising to assist. "Only worship."

"Worship?" Shinji asked. He didn't know whether Kaworu was being intentionally poetic or whether the heat and the lust were clouding his understanding of language. He held his breath and watched as Kaworu unzipped his jeans, pulling them and his boxers off and dropping them to the side of the bed.

"I've been waiting for this moment...I want to show you how much I love you, Shinji." Kaworu purred, sliding his hands down Shinji's spread-out thighs, stopping just at the crease of his hips to slide back to his knees again. Shinji could feel his entire body tense; the combination of affectionate love Kaworu professed to Shinji's heart and his depraved need for Shinji's body nearly drove him over the edge. Shinji brought his quivering fingers to his mouth and bit down to keep from crying out; Kaworu noticed this and placed his hand next to it, replacing Shinji's fingers with his own. Shinji felt the thin fingers brush against his lips and kissed their tips, hesitantly at first, and then began to gently suckle, running his tongue nervously up and down their length. Kaworu's breathing became heavy as he stared wide eyed at Shinji, naked and waiting beneath him, writhing with pent-up desire.

"Shinji..." He half-moaned, trailing his fingers down Shinji's chin and throat, leaving a path of warm saliva. "Do you want to do it with me? Would that make you feel good?"

Shinji's head was spinning. Everything that Kaworu did to him made him feel good. Better than good. Amazing. Whatever Kaworu wanted, he wanted.

"Yes..." Shinji panted. "I want it...want you, Kaworu..."

Kaworu bit his bottom lip, hard, and looked into Shinji's eyes. Shinji held the stare, recognizing that he was being tested - Kaworu needed to be certain that Shinji was sure before he went any further.

"How?" Kaworu asked. Shinji squirmed, embarassed.

"I...I don't know how..." Shinji swallowed. "But I want to...I want you to, Kaworu..."

He had barely finished his sentence before Kaworu's mouth was on his. He was sure his lips would be bruised in the morning - Kaworu pressed with such force that it would have been painful had Shinji not been pressing just as hard with need himself. Kaworu's dominant hand was firmly stroking Shinji's erection with both a tenderness and a frantic disposition that could only be attributed to both a true deep affection and teenage hormones. He brought his other hand to Shinji's mouth once more, and Shinji allowed his fingers inside, coating each one with a thick layer of his saliva. Kaworu brought the hand down and began to message his entrance with a light touch.

"Ah!" Shinji exclaimed at the foreign sensation. He had an idea of what Kaworu wanted to do with him, but he didn't have a clue as to how it would feel. He shivered at the pain and strange elation it brought when one of Kaworu's fingers slid cautiously inside of him.

"I want it to feel nice..." Kaworu licked his lips, taking his hand from Shinji's erection to gently place it against Shinji's face, caressing softly as Shinji shuddered underneath him. "Please, tell me if you want me to stop, okay?"

Shinji nodded, but couldn't help gritting his teeth and screwing his eyes shut when the second finger began to stretch him out.

"How does it feel, Shinji?" Kaworu cooed, slowly driving his fingers in and out. "Is there pain? Does it feel good?"

"Nng...both..." Shinji's back arched slightly when the third finger introduced itself. "It hurts...but it's also...it feels so good, Kaworu..."

"Like being alive, yes?" Kaworu smiled, removing his fingers one by one. Shinji watched Kaworu lick his palm and then stroke himself gently, his deep red eyes keeping hold on Shinji's half-lidded blue ones.

"Yes..." Shinji responded, gasping as he felt the head of Kaworu's cock press patiently against him.

"I want to be alive with you, Shinji..." Kaworu murmured as he slowly began to penetrate Shinji's opening. Shinji cried out as he was first invaded, his hands clutching to Kaworu's thick hair until his fingers ached. It was a sharp, intense sensation that gave way to a wave of pleasure and desire as the thickness burrowed its way inside of him, all the way, until Kaworu's hips met his backside. Kaworu buried his face into Shinji's shoulder and he lay there, shaking, as the two adjusted to the new sensation of being joined together.

"Ahh...hah...wow..." Kaworu sighed, lifting his head in order to see Shinji's face. "Is this what it feels like?" Shinji looked up at Kaworu with pleading eyes; he felt so full that he might burst at any second. Kaworu nodded, as if he understood just by Shinji's begging gaze what he wanted. He shifted his hips slightly, pulling half way out, then pushed back in slowly.

"Oh god." Shinji breathed, covering his face with his hands as Kaworu repeated this motion, slowly out, slowly in. "Oh my god." Everything around him started to become fuzzy; the outlines of reality began to slowly swirl and blur. All things but Kaworu, who became so, so clear and luminescent before him. Each strand of sliver hair, each pale eyelash, each bead of sweat that hesitantly ran down his pearl-colored skin - Kaworu was everything.

"Does it still hurt, love?" Kaworu asked, his voice breaking slightly. Shinji knew he was holding back for his sake.

"No..." Shinji trailed his hands down Kaworu's face before wrapping his arms around his slender neck. "No, it...you feel amazing..."

That was all Kaworu needed to hear. He shifted up slightly, hooking his hands on the underside of Shinji's thighs and lifting his hips off the bed.

"Ah! Kaworu!" Shinji's heart jumped into his throat. Kaworu was upright on his knees; he had placed Shinji's legs up against each of his shoulders. This new angle opened Shinji wider and pulled Kaworu even deeper than before - Kaworu's head lurched forward slightly and he hissed out a hard breath, indicating that the position was just as intense for him as it was for Shinji.

"I'm...I can't hold back...alright?" Kaworu was warning more than asking. Shinji nodded and braced himself, grabbing at the sheet underneath him. Kaworu pulled out, almost entirely, then without hesitation pushed himself back, hard. Shinji moaned loudly as Kaworu's pace and intensity increased, rising his hips to meet Kaworu's thrust, until their panicked movements became a quick and steady rhythm.

"Do you wish...to become one with me, Shinji?" Kaworu sighed, reaching around Shinji's leg and grasping his almost painful hard-on, giving it a long and firm downward stroke. "Will you be mine?"

"Ah! Yes! Yes!" Shinji couldn't help but scream as Kaworu hit a spot inside of him that caused the room to go white. Kaworu grinned wickedly.

"There?" He asked, his strokes becoming faster.

"Right there!" Shinji sobbed, begging Kaworu with his body. "Oh Kaworu, don't stop..." Kaworu closed his eyes and obeyed, thrusting as fast and hard as he could, Shinji screaming his name over and over with each contact.

"Cum for me, Shinji..." Kaworu commanded, feeling his own release begin to creep in between his legs. That was all Shinji needed to push him over and beyond. He cried out Kaworu's name once more as his cum shot out in quick, thick streams, all over his stomach and chest. His body tightened in waves around Kaworu, who came seconds later, releasing every bit of himself inside Shinji. The two remained momentarily still, each giving a shake or shudder with each aftershock, before Shinji began to quietly sob.

"Oh..." Kaworu exhaled harshly, carefully setting Shinji's legs down onto the bed. "Oh Shinji..." He moved his body down back on top of Shinji, carefully pulling himself out. "Did I hurt you?"

"No!" Shinji wrapped his arms around Kaworu's shoulders, pulling him against his chest tightly. "No, it was wonderful...you're wonderful..."

Kaworu sighed, somewhat relieved, and pulled the sheet over them both, shifting himself onto the bed and holding Shinji against his chest. Shinji gradually calmed down, his breaths becoming more regular, his tears stopping altogether.

"You don't have to be alone anymore, Shinji." Kaworu said quietly, rubbing Shinji's back gently. "I love you."

"I love you too, Kaworu, but..." Shinji looked up, his eyes heavy. "Just hold me, okay?"

Kaworu smiled and nodded, kissing Shinji's soft brown crown before relaxing back onto his pillow. Now was no time for words.


	3. It Will Be Okay

Thank_ you so, so much to all the people who have read, reviewed, followed, and favored this! I'm really enjoying how the story is developing; I hope you all will as well. I'm in my last month of nursing school currently so this chapter took a bit longer than expected - sorry for the delay!_

_Thank you thank you thank you! _

* * *

Shinji yawned and shifted, waking slowly for the second time in Kaworu's bed. He breathed Kaworu's scent in deeply (a mix of sea water and pear ice cream), eyes still closed, letting the warmness of Kaworu's body next to his wash over him as he gradually came to consciousness. He peered through heavy eyes at his still-slumbering lover; Kaworu's hair was splayed out around the pillow and over his face, his chest rose and fell slowly with each breath. Shinji had apparently pulled all the sheet off of Kaworu's body in order to wrap his own up snugly over the course of the night, but Kaworu did not seem to mind - his skin felt warm to the touch, even as he lay naked in the open.

Shinji smiled, giddy with new, first love. He did not want to wake Kaworu, not just yet - not when he had this rare opportunity to simply stare and take in what a handsome beauty he was. Kaworu's eyes were his most treasured aspect, but since they were closed tight, he turned his gaze to the rest of his body. His skin was pale, almost unnaturally so, from his face down to his toes, and though he appeared to be quite skinny with clothes on, naked he was revealed to be toned in the way a runner or a yoga enthusiast might be.

Kaworu was so pale, in fact, that it took Shinji until this moment to notice the very faint scars that appeared on nearly every part of his body. Until now he had seen Kaworu clothed, or at a distance, or in the dark, but now, with mid-morning light beaming in through the windows, he could examine every inch of skin with great detail. White, shimmering lines showed themselves to Shinji; several over his abdomen and flanks, a few scattered over his arms and legs, and two intersecting over his heart. It struck him as odd for some reason that Kaworu was even capable of being wounded, of bleeding. He wondered what they were from; they were thin and neat, almost surgical in nature.

"Mm..." Kaworu began to move slightly, his eyebrows furrowing. "Don't..."

Shinji stiffened - was he talking to him?

"Hurts..." Kaworu whimpered, drawing his limbs into his body. Shinji realized that he was still asleep.

"Kaworu?" He said quietly, resting his hand gently to Kaworu's face. It bothered him to see Kaworu in distress, even if it was unconcious. Reflexively, Kaworu's arms shot out and wrapped themselves tightly around Shinji.

"It's okay..." Shinji said, returning Kaworu's embrace, a little confused but wanting to comfort. "Kaworu, wake up, it's alright..." Kaworu tightened his grip before he sighed, his eyes fluttering open. A trace of tears could be seen on his bottom lashes. Then, as if he had not been disturbed at all, his usual smile spread across his sleepy face.

"Shinji." He nuzzled his nose against Shinji's, stretching his legs and rubbing his feet against the futon. "Good morning."

"Sorry for waking you." Shinji apologized, dragging some of his stolen sheet across Kaworu. "I think you were having a nightmare."

"Ah..." Kaworu said, looking a little embarrassed. "Sorry. I hope I didn't disturb you?"

"No, I was awake anyway." Shinji insisted. He wanted to ask about the scars, the bad dream, but decided that this moment wasn't the best.

"What shall we do today then, now that we're awake?" Kaworu yawned. "We could bring your things over here from Misato-san's?"

Shinji smiled. This was all real. Kaworu was his. Or he was Kaworu's, at least.

"Yeah, let's do that. After testing?" Shinji suggested.

"Oh, yes, about that." Kaworu stretched his arms out and sat up, rubbing his eyes with the back of one hand. "Ibuki-san called while you were asleep last night. Testing has been postponed until tomorrow evening, when Misato-san gets back."

"Oh. Okay." Shinji became quiet. He hadn't even known that Misato had left, but he was anxious about her return. He wasn't sure that he wanted to see her. Kaworu looked down, picking up on Shinji's change of tone.

"So...perhaps let's go sooner than later? Before it gets too hot out?" He smiled, trying to be cheerful. "Do you have much to carry?"

"No, not really." Shinji managed another smile, determined to focus on the positive. "Maybe one suitcase. And my cello."

"Ah, your cello!" Kaworu exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "I nearly forgot. I'm very excited to see it."

"I'm not very good." Shinji cringed, sitting up next to Kaworu. "I don't even know why I still try."

"I somehow doubt that." Kaworu laughed, looking over at Shinji with soft affection. "I'm positive that the music you create must be quite lovely. Let's hurry, I want to see you play."

* * *

The pair had showered and dressed quickly, and separately - Shinji was still sore from the night before. Within nearly two hours of awakening, they were off of the train and in the elevator up to Misato's floor. Kaworu seemed excited. Shinji was nervous.

"I've never seen where you've lived before." Kaworu said as they stepped off the lift.

"It was just a place to stay." Shinji was dismissive. "I didn't have much choice."

"Still, I'm sure you have some happy memories here." Kaworu countered as Shinji unlocked the front door. Shinji shrugged. He didn't feel much like talking about anything to do with this apartment or the people who had lived there.

"I'll pack my clothes, it shouldn't take very long." Shinji said, walking towards his room. Kaworu followed casually behind, looking around at the home Shinji had dwelled within while in Tokyo-3.

"'Shinji's Lovely Suite'." He grinned as they reached Shinji's room. "Very cute."

"Shut _up_." Shinji laughed, opening the sliding door. "Misato put that there, not me."

"Sure." Kaworu teased, sitting on Shinji's mattress. "It smells like you in here." He noted, laying back onto the futon.

"You say such weird, random things." Shinji sighed. Kaworu smiled.

"We have all day." He reminded Shinji as he got comfortable on the futon, cuddling up next to the blankets and pillows. "You don't have to rush."

"I really don't have that much stuff." Shinji said, opening the top drawer and stacking his neatly folded clothes on the futon next to Kaworu. "All I actually own are my clothes and the cello. Everything else belongs to Misato." He sighed and sat next to Kaworu, suddenly feeling a great weight in his body. "Or Asuka."

"You miss her?" Kaworu sat up and scooted himself closer.

"I don't know." Shinji shook his head, sighing. "I guess, yeah. I feel sad for her."

"What happened to her was sad." Kaworu agreed. "I didn't know her at all, but you were friends, yes?"

"Something like that. I don't know that we would have gotten along if we weren't both pilots though." Shinji smiled, but his eyes were tired. "I don't think she really liked me all that much."

"Maybe she didn't know how." Kaworu thought aloud. Shinji stayed quiet. He didn't want to think about Asuka - the way her words seemed to march aggressively out of her mouth, how all of her movements and mannerisms looked like she was in the middle of a grand battle. More than that, he didn't want to think about to what she had been reduced, nothing left of her but her hatred of others and self. He had been so close on so many occasions to resigning himself to the same fate; it was uncomfortable to even consider.

"I'm going to get something to drink." He said, hoping that Kaworu had caught on that he no longer wanted to continue that particular conversation.

"Bring me something, please!" Kaworu called as he left the room, lying back onto the futon.

Shinji took a look around the apartment as he stood in the kitchen. He had spent a lot of time viewing their quarters from that very spot in front of the stove - his green apron was still hanging from a nail on the wall next to the refrigerator. He was struck by a sudden sense of morose nostalgia; how nice it would have been if all his friends were still there...if Asuka and Rei were okay, if Toji had not been hurt, if he could still face Kensuke and Hikari...if Kaji were still alive. They could have had dinner parties there, all together. Kaworu would have charmed them all, and they would have been happy that Shinji was happy with him. Toji would have joked about how it just meant more women for himself. Misato would still be getting drunk but it would have been for fun, not to drown out that unspeakable pain that she carried in her heart now.

Shinji's chest tightened very suddenly and he felt like he might collapse onto the floor. He grabbed the edge of the counter, balancing himself as he felt his knees come together in weakness. The realization hit him all at once - Misato's pain could be his, easily. Kaworu was a pilot. A very good pilot, the best according to everyone who was concerned, but a pilot nonetheless. His fate was connected to Asuka's, Toji's, Rei's, his own. Just the idea, the fleeting notion of Kaworu being taken away, it _hurt; _it physically wrenched his whole body with panic. He could hear Kaworu's gentle humming from the next room and he instantly wanted to run in and hold him, tightly, throw himself on top of him and never let him leave or face danger or be hurt. He took several deep breaths and straightened himself up. Another, stronger feeling came on; he could never seem to protect anyone, but now, somehow, he was sure - he _would_ protect Kaworu. It was not an option.

"Oh, boy." He mumbled to himself as he opened the fridge. He wasn't sure why he had thought there might be something other than alcohol, because there never was anything else. Beer on top of beer, a few bottles of sake, a couple of take-out containers. He rubbed his forehead for a second, irritated at what an irresponsible adult Misato really was, before an epiphany came to him. He grinned, grabbed two cans and one bottle, and headed back to his room.

"What is this?" Kaworu asked as Shinji snapped off the tab of a can and handed it to him.

"It's a beer." Shinji answered, setting the bottle of sake on his dresser. "We're celebrating my move."

"I see." Kaworu smiled, amused. He sniffed the opening on the can, then wrinkled his nose. "I've never drank alcohol before."

"Me neither." Shinji laughed, holding his can out for a toast. "To us."

* * *

Four empty beer cans, two to each boy, sat emptied in the sink. The bottle had just been opened. They were both on the skinny side, with no previous alcohol experience, so it didn't take much before they were blushing and giggling for no reason at all. Shinji was loving it - he felt warm and open and like nothing mattered, and Kaworu was smiling more and laughing louder than he usually did. No wonder Misato did this so often.

"Thank you...for having me come live with you, Kaworu..." Shinji smiled, his face flushed as he sipped at his room-temperature sake. Then, a bit of bravery, and he followed with, "You don't know what it means to me."

Kaworu smiled in reply, gently tracing his finger tips around the edge of his glass. Shinji loved that smile, the one that somehow said _I know_ or _It's okay_ or _I understand_ even without words. That he could make tiny confessions and Kaworu would just listen - not react, but really listen. He found himself rather enjoying divulging himself to Kaworu when it would terrify or frustrate him with anyone else.

"It means quite a bit to me as well." Kaworu finally responded, looking down at his hand as he circled the rim of the cup over and over. "I'm honored that you wish to share your life with me." Shinji took his turn to smile rather than speak. He gave in to the courage that came along with the warm tingling in his belly and gently reached out to take Kaworu's tracing hand, lifting it to his mouth and kissing it along the knuckle line. Kaworu exhaled softly, taking Shinji's hand in his own and pulling him into his chest, resting his chin on top of the brunette's mussy hair. Shinji melted into the hug, cuddling his arms against Kaworu's torso while he received a firm kiss to the top of his head.

"Are you truly happy with me, Shinji?" Kaworu murmured, his sake-tinted breath stirring Shinji's hair slightly. "I can hardly believe you could be."

"I feel like I should be the one saying that." Shinji was surprised at this sudden display of insecurity. He tried to turn his head to face him, but Kaworu tightened his hold on the smaller boy, trapping him in place under his chin."You make me really happy, Kaworu. I didn't...I never realized I could be happy like this, before you."

"It makes me glad to hear that." Kaworu squeezed him again. "I only want to bring you happiness. I'm...very scared of causing you pain."

"Why would you even feel that way?" Shinji untangled himself from Kaworu's limbs, trying to look him in the eyes. Kaworu's looked down avoidingly. The sudden change in mood left a hard, sick feeling in the pit of Shinji's stomach. Kaworu suddenly looked diminished, fidgety, uncertain...like he himself probably looked most of the time, he imagined.

"It's nothing. I'm sorry." Kaworu smiled again, but weakly, and did not look up. Shinji stayed quiet for a moment, trying to assess the situation through the tipsy haze in which he resided.

"The scars." He finally blurted out, a vague realization slowly coming to him. Kaworu looked up this time, and genuine fear briefly flashed across his face.

"Kaworu, you listen...to everything...I say about myself." Shinji continued. "And...I know now it's because you love me, right?"

Kaworu nodded slowly, his body still visibly tense with hesitation. Shinji tried to smile reassuringly.

"I'm saying that...I want to know you too. I feel like...it's like you take all my feelings inside yourself, but you never tell me anything. It's not fair to you, you know?"

Kaworu's mouth twisted, then opened, then closed again.

"Your happiness is most important." He finally decided to say, looking down again. "You really needn't concern yourself with me. I don't want anything but that."

"But this is what _I_ want. I want to know you like you know me." Shinji could feel his voice rising with frustration. He found himself unable to stop. Kaworu looked sad, so damn sad. He couldn't stand it. "Kaworu, this morning you were _crying_ in your sleep. I want...I want to be able to make you feel better." He put a hand gently to Kaworu's face, trying to provide some kind of comfort, and was surprised when he felt a wetness at his fingertips, just at the edge of Kaworu's lashes. Kaworu's hands lifted up to hold his against the cheek, face pressing into the palm. A heavy breath, then a softer sigh.

"You don't remember me, do you?" Kaworu finally said in a voice barely above a whisper, his hands holding onto Shinji's and lowering it from his face.

"I...don't understand." Shinji felt like something important was being communicated to him in a dead, foreign language. Kaworu looked up; the tears were gone, and his face had regained a collected calmness, though his cheeks were still flushed and his eyes were dark.

"We met, Shinji. Once before. Ten years ago."

* * *

Kaworu did not know what it meant to be six. The doctors, the people in the long white coats, the men and women in dark suits, they all said that's what he was - when they were asking him questions, when they were filling out forms, when they were giving him medications, when they were putting him in the tanks of sticky orange fluid. It seemed important, whatever being six meant. It was "data" they said - just like how tall he was, or how much he weighed every few days, or how he felt several hours after they gave him his daily injections. He was told he was a very special child; he wasn't sure what that meant either.

He knew what "parents" were, though, and he knew that he didn't have them. Sometimes the people in the lab coats at the NERV Germany branch brought their own children to the less restricted parts of the facility. He wasn't allowed to talk to them, but he couldn't help but watch from a distance. The parents seemed to enjoy their children; they would laugh with them, or tie their shoe while smiling, or sometimes they would wrap their arms around each other and squeeze. It seemed strange. No adults ever touched him like that. He never went anywhere but the NERV facility - he had been born there, so he'd been told. "Born" meant that you became a person. He didn't know how. Were all the children born at NERV? Was he the only one that had to stay? His parents were dead, they had said. "Dead" meant that you weren't a person anymore.

He also knew that adults were uncomfortable around him. It wasn't just the absence of squeezing with arms and laughing. They only touched him with latex gloves. They washed their hands before and after. They looked at him with what even a six-year-old could understand was fear. Which confused him, because he was _very_ afraid of all of them. Even though he was used to the routine, all the poking and pinching and cutting and submerging, it never became a comfortable existence. Each new procedure was more frightening than the last, each new medication made him feel sicker than the previous one. He had learned to hide his fear well, since it only seemed to frustrate and anger those around him. He remembered that he used to cry when he was younger. He hadn't cried since he was three.

Kaworu was being trained, he was told. He was special because he was going to be a great soldier for the world someday. It all seemed rather grand. He couldn't even imagine what was outside of the labs and the halls and his room at NERV. He supposed it might all be worth it when he was older. Soldiers protected people. That seemed like a nice thing to do. He didn't have much of a choice, after all.

It was mid-morning when he began the walk back to his room after his required daily check-up. He still felt woozy from the procedure the day before. Something to do with his head. They had bandaged it up rather neatly, his scruffy silver hair poking this way and that around the wrap. They had also put a protective patch over his eye, though they assured him it had not been cut this time. He had peaked under the patch in a bathroom mirror that morning - the white parts had turned red. The doctor called it a "hemorrhage". Blood. He shuffled sleepily towards his door and was reaching for the handle when he noticed something off; it was opened, just slightly. He stood for a moment, distrustful of any change in his routine or environment. Was someone in there waiting for him?

When he finally built up the nerve to walk inside, he heard sniffling. There was a boy sitting on his bed, skinny knees drawn up and together, face buried inside encircled arms, messy brown hair trembling with tiny sobs. The boy had not noticed Kaworu. Kaworu could only stand in shock. He had never been this close to another child before.

"Don't cry." He finally said in fluent German. The boy's head snapped up; his face was wet and reddened, his eyes were wide. He looked scared. He was Japanese, like Kaworu.

"I'm sorry!" The boy sniffed, wiping his cheeks and eyes roughly with the backs of his wrists. It didn't help. "I didn't know someone lived here."

"I live here." Kaworu responded, this time switching to Japanese. "You shouldn't cry, the adults will be cross with you." He reiterated.

"I know." His blue eyes weren't like the others'. There wasn't the anger there, or the meanness. Just sad, and frightened. "Please don't tell on me."

Kaworu nodded. He understood. He closed the door, though he was not able to lock it. The crying boy settled slightly, and stared.

"My name is Ikari Shinji." He said. "What happened to you?"

"I was sick." Kaworu answered, walking over to the bed and sitting next to his new acquaintance. "I'm Nagisa Kaworu. This is my room. Where is your room?"

Shinji's lip began to quiver again, his eyes welling up.

"I don't know." He gave a little hiccup at the end of the sentence. "My dad doesn't want me anymore. He said so today."

"Oh." Kaworu wasn't sure he understood. "What about a mother? Your mother?'

That made it worse. Shinji buried his face in his arms again.

"She died."

"Oh."

"Her name was Yui." Shinji looked up, a little hope emerging through his expression. "Did you know her?"

"Ikari Yui, yes." Kaworu remembered her from a few brief visits she had made, but had never spoken to her. She had not looked cruel like the others, though her husband seemed terrifying. "She was very pretty."

"I know." Shinji almost smiled. He looked proud.

"You look a lot like her." Kaworu added.

"Th-thank you." Shinji blushed. "Everyone else says that I look like my dad."

"Why doesn't your dad want you anymore?" Kaworu asked. He had not yet learned the art of subtlety.

"He said that he can't be bothered with me." Shinji pouted and hugged his knees tighter into himself. "I'm a bad child. He doesn't want to be my dad now."

It was now that Kaworu began to feel something strange. This boy's sadness, it made his heart hurt. But it was also sort of exciting. He felt a connection to Shinji. He wanted Shinji to like him.

"I don't have parents." He offered, trying clumsily to express his desire to get along. Shinji looked at him skeptically.

"Really?" Shinji unwrapped his arms and shifted closer to Kaworu. Kaworu's instinct was to back away, but he resisted. "What happened to them?"

"I don't know." Kaworu shrugged. "I've never had them. I've always lived here by myself."

"Do you have any friends? Are there other kids that live here?" Shinji asked.

"I don't think so." Kaworu smiled. He liked talking to Shinji. "I see other kids sometimes. I see Dr. Soryu's child a lot, the girl with the red hair." He nervously rubbed his hands together, then lowered his voice to a whisper. "I'm not really supposed to talk to the other kids though."

"That sounds lonely." Shinji noted. Kaworu was getting uncomfortable. He wanted to know more about Shinji.

"Where will you go now then?" He asked. "Are you moving into NERV as well?"

"I'm being sent to live with my uncle." Shinji rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. "But I don't want to go there. That's why I'm hiding now."

"Oh." Kaworu was disappointed. He had briefly hoped that Shinji would be a new companion. "That's too bad."

Shinji nodded, and his eyes watered once more. He balled his hands together in his lap and stared down at them, taking a couple of heavy breaths before the tears began to fall, one at a time, then relentlessly. Kaworu didn't know what to do. He felt so badly for this boy - he knew what it was like to feel rejected, unwanted. He thought about watching the parents with their children; what did they do when their children cried to make them stop? Shinji was crying loudly now, and he was afraid that they would be caught. Nervously, slowly, he picked up his shaking arms and awkwardly wrapped them around Shinji's heaving shoulders, squeezing gently. And, as if by magic, the crying ceased. Shinji turned his face to Kaworu, looking surprised but saying nothing.

"It will be okay, Shinji-kun." Kaworu's words came out almost involuntarily, fueled by his newly developing empathy. "You can live through anything, if you want to." That was based on experience. Shinji nodded, though he couldn't hide the confusion from his expression.

It was too late to explain. A security guard had heard the crying and opened the door. Kaworu could feel his heart thumping inside his rib cage.

"Ikari-kun." The guard said, motioning for Shinji to come. "Your caretakers are looking for you."

"Okay." Shinji nodded, defeated. Kaworu began to lift his arms away, but before he could do so Shinji turned suddenly and hugged him, tightly. Kaworu felt the breath leave his body; he didn't want Shinji to ever let go.

"Thank you, Kaworu-kun." Shinji said, releasing him and scooting off the bed. "I hope...that we'll see each other again sometime."

As he walked towards the guard in the doorway, Kaworu noticed with interest how quickly his demeanor changed. He was quite suddenly a very serious, mature child, moving towards an unknown future with quiet surrender. The guard closed the door behind them.

"I hope so, too." Kaworu mumbled out loud to himself.

* * *

Shinji was so stunned that he felt that, had he been standing up, he might have fallen over. He remembered this encounter, remembered everything about it as Kaworu described it. Kaworu sat next to him on the futon, arms wrapped around one bent knee, patiently awaiting Shinji's reaction.

"Kaworu, I'm..." He started, trying to figure out what would be the best thing to say. He sighed, and looked up, somewhat embarrassed. "I didn't forget."

"I wouldn't even be surprised if you had." Kaworu replied. "It was a very traumatic day for you. It would only be natural to try to forget everything about it."

Kaworu was right. Shinji had closed that day out of his mind the second his five-year-old self walked out of NERV headquarters, hand loosely and unaffectionately held by his aunt. It was such a distant, well buried memory, and it had never even occurred to him that that strange, pale boy with the one red eye was the same teenager that shook his hand enthusiastically upon his arrival to Japan, squeezing it just a little too hard to be considered proper stranger etiquette.

"Why didn't you say anything until now?" Shinji asked. Kaworu sighed and stretched his legs out, running his hands through his hair, pulling it back away from his eyes.

"It's been so long. We both came here to Tokyo-3 for a new life, and I was just glad to see you again. I was okay with you not remembering."

"But still, I feel awful." Shinji insisted. Kaworu smiled and took his hand, giving it a small squeeze.

"Please don't. That was the day you were left behind. For me...I felt like it was the day someone found me. I'm grateful for that."

Shinji crawled closer, wrapping his arms around Kaworu's midsection. Kaworu smiled and rubbed his nose against Shinji's affectionately.

"Don't feel badly, Shinji. We're together now, that's all I care about." He pulled Shinji into his embrace, kissing his forehead.

"It must have been terrible for you, growing up alone like that." Shinji frowned. "I can't believe how you were treated."

"It is my destiny to be who I am." Kaworu responded, running his fingers absently through Shinji's hair. "I truly feel like it is a joy to be alive. I don't have any animosity towards the others...they were only doing their job. I was allowed to go to a private school when I turned twelve, and things were a little better after that."

"Did you make friends?" Shinji asked, shifting himself so that he was sitting between Kaworu's long legs, his back to Kaworu's chest. Kaworu rested his chin softly onto Shinji's head and encircled the his skinny chest within his arms.

"Not really, no." Kaworu laughed lightly. "I couldn't really understand anyone, and my classmates appeared to be sort of afraid of me. I think my lack of social interaction made me seem a little strange to others."

"You are kind of weird." Shinji smiled up at him. Kaworu raised an eyebrow and punished him with a light pinch on the stomach.

"I got better at it over time, but I never made any sort of connection with anyone." Kaworu nudged his face against Shinji's hair, breathing in deeply. "That's why my memory of you remained so precious to me. It was the only time anyone ever talked to me like a person, or hugged me. It gave me hope."

"I'm glad." Shinji said, reaching up and holding onto Kaworu's hands. "Is that why you said you're afraid of causing me pain? Because of how you were treated?"

"Maybe, partially." Kaworu's tone lowered. "I think it's mostly because everyone regards me with such fear or anger. I've just felt that maybe there's something about me that causes that." A pause, and then, "I feel it, inside, occasionally. Some darkness that I can't quite place." He buried his face into Shinji's hair; his arms trembled briefly. "I don't want any harm to come to you because of me."

"Kaworu..." Shinji turned around and placed his hands on Kaworu's shoulders. "I'm not afraid of you." Kaworu's face met Shinji's, his crimson eyes shining, and Shinji leaned forward, kissing him lightly on the mouth. Kaworu inhaled gently as their lips parted, and Shinji rested his forehead against Kaworu's.

"It will be okay, Kaworu-kun." He said softly. "You can live through anything, if you want to."

* * *

"What a pain." Misato mumbled as she dug through her bag for her keys. All she wanted to do was get her boots off, open a beer, take a hot shower, and then pass out as quickly as possible. An eleven hour red-eye flight is no joke. She gave a quick thanks to the powers-that-be that the second day of meetings had been postponed as she unlocked the door, allowing her to fly home early. She had a lot of important work to do.

She tossed her boots carelessly by the door next to her carry-on bag and headed towards the fridge, checking her watch. It was a little after two in the morning, so she would have to be quiet. She knew Shinji was home tonight - she had seen the unmarked security car parked at the corner of her block. She grabbed a can of beer and noticed a reflecting glint in the sink as the light from the refrigerator door illuminated the kitchen. Four empty beer cans sat in the basin. She cracked her own open and grinned.

"Shinji-kun's becoming a man!" She said to herself, wiping a bit of suds from her lips with her fingers. "Good for him." He certainly deserved it, she thought, after all that he's been through lately. She made a mental note to ask him about how his sync test went the day before in the morning as she tossed her jacket on a chair and headed towards the bathroom. Their relationship had been strained. She hadn't been the best roommate...or guardian...or superior, really, as of late. She wanted to fix that.

Her steps slowed as she entered the hallway and heard a muffled voice cry out. Shinji's voice? Training kicked in and she unclipped her handgun from its holster, her hand resting steadily on the grip. Another yelp as she crept closer, and then a moan - decidedly not Shinji's voice this time.

_What the hell?_ She thought, flattening herself against the wall, leaning her ear towards the door frame.

"Mmm...hah...oh yes, there, right there..."

Misato felt her face flush instantly, and then she covered her mouth firmly with her hand as she felt a giggle rise in her throat. Shinji was fooling around with someone! She didn't think he had it in him. Or even had a girlfriend. She knew that she should give him his privacy but...a few more seconds of spying wouldn't hurt.

"Is that nice, Shinji? Tell me...ahh!...tell me how good it feels..."

_Oh_. Shinji didn't have a girlfriend, after all. The second voice, soft and feminine as it sounded, was definitely male. That was an interesting turn of events. A sudden loud _bang_ and a vibration against her back - somebody just got pushed up against a wall.

"Kaworu!"

That was an even more interesting turn of events.

"Nagisa-kun?" Misato whispered to herself. She matched the voice with the face of the Fifth Child. Her stomach tightened. This was not good.

"Say it...say it, Kaworu..."

"Mmm...I love you, Shinji..."

Even worse.

Misato headed back to the kitchen - she needed several more beers. The shower could wait until tomorrow, since she wasn't interested in attracting attention to the fact that she was home at this point. No, on second thought, no more beer tonight. It would be better just to stay awake - she wanted to be there in the morning when they woke up.

She sighed heavily as she slumped into her desk chair, waiting on her laptop to boot up. Nagisa Kaworu, chosen by SEELE; the miraculous Fifth Child that was perfect at everything and had no discernible origin. She had a bad feeling about him as soon as they got word that he was being sent, and an even worse one when he arrived. No birth parents, raised entirely within the confines of NERV Germany headquarters - somewhat like Asuka in that sense, as he was chosen and trained as a pilot for nearly his entire life. Everything else about his file was classified. Everything but his birthday - the day of Second Impact. It gave her chills just thinking about it. His striking resemblance to Rei did not go unnoticed either. A lot of odd bits; the problem lied in connecting the dots.

And now there was _this_ new development. She rubbed her face with both hands and then tangled them into her thick hair, groaning with aggravation. She had been a shit guardian. How long had this been going on? Shinji had been holding it together by a thread as it stood already, and now he was apparently in love with whoever Kaworu was. On top of this was preparation while waiting for the last Angel to appear, Asuka and Rei recovering in the hospital, and her continuation of Kaji's work...

Her heart skipped a beat at that last thought. Fucking Kaji. She missed him so damn much. If she had been paying a little more attention to Shinji, she would have made it a point to tell him to never fall in love. It was too painful, in the end.

"Maybe I should have that beer." She muttered.

* * *

"Kaworu...Kaworu, wake up..." Shinji whispered, shaking Kaworu's shoulder gently. Kaworu grumbled and turned in the other direction.

"Come back to bed." He mumbled, trying to pull the blanket over his head. Shinji pulled it back down.

"C'mon, Kaworu. We have to get up. We have to move my things over to your place and then get to headquarters for testing in time." As incentive, Shinji kissed his cheek, neck, and shoulder, then reversed the order. Kaworu laughed sleepily.

"Mmm...okay, okay...good morning." He smiled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Is there time for a shower?"

"No!" Shinji exclaimed, kneeling upright. "And I think we both know you wouldn't let it end with a shower."

"Very true." Kaworu grinned, snaking his arms around Shinji and pulling him down on top of him. "Maybe there's time to just do that and skip the shower then, hm?"

"Kaworuuu..." Shinji whined as Kaworu nibbled at his neck. "Please...mmm...let's get this done first, before Misato gets back." He pushed himself up and stood. "Everything's already packed. I'll carry the cello case if you get the bag. I'll even make you breakfast when we get to your place."

"Home." Kaworu corrected, slowly shifting to his feet and stretching out his arms. Shinji smiled.

"Home." He repeated, shifting the cello over against the wall and sliding the door open. Kaworu followed him out, dragging the wheeled suitcase behind him, and ran straight into his back as Shinji halted just outside of the hallway.

"Good morning, Shinji-kun. Nagisa-kun." Misato was leaning against the kitchen island counter, blowing on a fresh cup of coffee.

"Good morning, Katsuragi-san." Kaworu bowed politely.

"Misato-san...you're back." Shinji said, the color draining from his face.

"I flew in last night. I didn't want to disturb you." Misato said, stirring a spoon of sugar into her mug. Shinji and Kaworu cast a meaningful glance at one another.

"How...was your flight?" Shinji asked, grasping for something to say while his brain moved into overdrive. They weren't particularly discrete the night before; they thought they were alone. His face went quickly from white to bright red.

"Long." She sighed, tossing the spoon in the sink. "Taking your cello out?" She motioned towards the case.

"Yes..." Shinji swallowed, looking back at Kaworu, who smiled reassuringly. "I'm actually...I'm moving my things over to Kaworu's apartment." Misato raised her eyebrow at Shinji's use of the intimate form of Kaworu's name, and Shinji could feel his cheeks getting hotter. There was a painfully long moment of silence. Misato's face was uncharacteristically unreadable.

"I see." She finally said. "Nagisa-kun, would you mind going ahead and waiting downstairs for Shinji for a few moments? I just need to talk to him privately."

Kaworu didn't answer immediately, looking to Shinji for a signal on how to go forward. Shinji frowned, then nodded, communicating that it was alright.

"Yes, ma'am." Kaworu responded, bowing once more before dragging the suitcase out of the apartment. Shinji watched as the front door closed shut, then turned back to Misato. She did not look pleased.

"So, Shinji." She began, setting her mug on the counter and crossing her arms. "You're dating Nagisa-kun, then." Shinji hesitated for a moment - this was all catching him very off guard.

"I guess." He replied, then a more determined, "Something like that."

"More than dating." It was a statement more than a question. Shinji's anxiety began to to give way to annoyance.

"I think you already know the answer to that, Misato." He answered. "Why are you trying to embarrass me?"

"Because you're being an idiot." She snapped. "You don't even know him." This only furthered Shinji's defiance.

"I don't know you, either." He snapped back. "Kaworu wants me to live with him. I'm _happy_ with him."

"Getting screwed and being happy are not the same thing!" Misato slammed her palm against the counter. Shinji bit his bottom lip; he was dangerously close to getting out of line. Then he decided he didn't care.

"I guess you would know." He said finally. Misato's face sunk.

"Shinji, I don't...I really don't know about that boy." She finally said. She looked tired, very tired. "I don't want you to get into trouble."

"I can take care of myself. I'll see you later at headquarters." Shinji said flatly, picking his cello up and strapping it his back, walking away from her. Out of her life. He paused just outside the door frame, but didn't look back. "Thank you, Misato. You don't need to worry about me anymore." He shut the door quietly behind him.

_Damn it. Goddamn it._ He thought to himself, gripping the case straps so hard that his fingers hurt. He didn't care that she knew about him and Kaworu. He didn't even care that much that she didn't approve. But couldn't she just leave him alone? Did she have to be so mean?

Kaworu was waiting in the lobby by the front door, staring silently out the glass window.

"Let's go." Shinji said, pushing the exit door open. Kaworu quickly followed, catching up to Shinji's side on the side walk. Shinji thought he might ask what had happened, why he was acting upset. But Kaworu didn't say anything. Instead, he gently grabbed his elbow, stopping him mid-step. Shinji realized that he was shaking and closed his eyes, trying to steady himself. He looked up at Kaworu, who looked calmly back at him for a moment while Shinji caught his breath.

"Kaworu..." Shinji shook his head, his bottom lip beginning to quiver. Kaworu stepped forward and put his arms around Shinji's shoulders, hugging him tightly.

"We can talk about it later." Kaworu murmured, giving an extra squeeze before letting him go. Then added, "If you'd like."

Shinji nodded, and Kaworu smiled. The two resumed walking towards the train station.


	4. What Spring Does to the Cherry Trees

_Finally! I am so seriously flattered and encouraged by everyone's reviews, feedback, faves and follows! I love getting questions and ideas about this story, so please don't hesitate to e-mail me at all! _

_Sorry again for the long wait - I graduated from nursing school this month, yay! Chapter 5 will also be up tomorrow, once it gets one more edit. I had intended just to write one chapter, but it ended up so long that I decided to make it two!_

* * *

"Oh. Hello." Ritsuko merely glanced at Misato's entrance with her eyes; she remained seated on her cot, legs crossed casually, foot bouncing rhythmically as if she were only taking a short break from work.

"Hello, Ritsuko." Misato returned the greeting. This was awkward. And sad. It was such a shame to see her old friend reduced to this, living out dull days staring at the cell wall. She should be where she belongs - in the command center, utilizing her genius talents with the work she loved. Or used to love. "How are you?"

Ritsuko cast a sardonic look towards her. She wasn't going to dignify that with an answer.

"I assume this is business and not pleasure." Ritsuko said instead, uncrossing her legs and leaning forward. "I don't suppose you brought me a cigarette?"

"Afraid not." Misato managed a small smile. At least she seemed calm, collected; more like the old Ritsuko.

"Too bad." Ritsuko absently bit at the cuticle of her thumb. Her once long, painted nails had been chewed to the nub. Oral fixation.

"May I sit?" Misato asked, dragging over a chair across from the cot before she even finished the question.

"Please."

"Thanks." Misato sat her files on her lap before brushing a chunk of hair off of her shoulder. She felt a little nervous.

"You're aware that we're under surveillance, of course." Ritsuko said, resting her chin in her hand.

"This is all on the up and up, actually." Misato tapped her finger on her stack of manilla files. "You should have received reports to review this morning."

"I did indeed." Ritsuko leaned back against the wall. "Very interesting, I must say."

"I wish I could find it as fascinating." Misato sighed. "The whole thing gives me the heebie jeebies."

"That's understandable." Ritsuko smiled, taking her her glasses out of her front shirt pocket and putting them on. "So, what do you need from me, then?"

"You have your own unique insight and knowledge in this whole production." Misato answered. "We need to figure out this Fifth Child mystery, before it it bites us is the ass, so to speak."

"He is quite the enigmatic little experiment, isn't he?" Ritsuko motioned for the files in Misato's lap, taking the stack and balancing it on her thighs as she opened the top folder. "I presume that you've already noticed his resemblance to the First Child."

"How could you not?" Misato grumbled. "It's not a common look."

"No, no it is not." Ritsuko carefully perused the documents as she talked. "Our cloning technology hasn't advanced as far as we would have hoped at this point. Blame the biomedical engineers for that one."

"So he is like Rei, then." Misato said quietly. She couldn't help the flash of memory from the her last meeting with Ritsuko. She wondered if her blonde companion was thinking of the same thing.

"That's my theory, at least." Ritsuko responded. She was either not bothered by the mentioning of the Rei clones, or her poker face was impeccable. "It would certainly make a little more sense of his apparent lack of birth parents."

"But why?" Misato felt that feeling creeping in her stomach again; that cold, tense brick that formed whenever she was confronted by how little she really knew about the organization for which she worked.

"Perhaps Commander Ikari wouldn't have built his precious doll if there hadn't already been successful runs of the process." Ritsuko murmured, her fingers tightening around the file in her hands. An image of her sobbing in a heap, encircled by an aquarium of Rei parts, came to Misato's mind. "The real question is - why take one out of the fish tank? The clones are for Dummy Plug components. Rei's existence is due to the Commander's own bullshit. Nagisa-kun's is a bit less obvious."

"Could it have been an experiment to make pilots rather than having to find them?" Misato wondered. She had wondered the same about Rei as well. Or at least, that was her hopeful, "for the good of mankind" version of the scenario, since she still could not really understand why or how Rei was created in the first place. And she now had to consider Ritsuko's slip about the Commander's motives behind Rei...what did she mean by that?

"Doubtful. Why keep his existence under the radar until now, if that was the goal?" Ritsuko rubbed her forehead. "The fact that SEELE is involved at all is not a comfortable thought, either. His ability to be a soul vessel like Rei makes me suspicious."

"What do you mean?" Misato leaned forward.

"Well, what sort of soul do you suppose dwells within that boy?" Ritsuko offered. "In other words, your question should be, is this boy merely a pilot? A plant from SEELE? Or something more than that?"

Misato sat back. This was a lot to take in.

"Unfortunately, I can't answer any of those questions from in here." Ritsuko continued, handing back the files. "So you're on your own. You could try to work with Maya-san, but I doubt she's very useful with the Magi in unexpected scenarios such as this, especially with so little data with which to run scenarios."

"Well. Thank you for your thoughts, anyway." Misato gathered the files into a neat stack and stood. "You've given me a lot to think about." She paused for a moment. "Listen, off the record..."

"You know that nothing is off the record." Ritsuko crossed her legs again, returning to the pose she was in when Misato entered.

"...whoever, or whatever, I guess, Nagisa-kun is...would he have any reason to target Shinji?"

"Like I said, I can't really give you any answers. But I imagine if he has sinister intent, then we would all be his targets." Ritsuko gave an amused smile. "Although that is quite an interesting tid-bit of information. Target in what sense, I wonder?"

"Er..." Misato blushed, trying to think of a diplomatic way to answer. "Socially, I guess."

"How fascinating." Ritsuko could really come across as a mad scientist when she wanted to, Misato thought as the blonde smiled sharply at her. "Well, I wish I could help you more, Misato. I'm rather limited in resources."

"I understand." Misato replied. "If it makes you feel better, I've gotten the impression that you'll be given work release soon, at least."

"It doesn't matter." Ritsuko turned her gaze back to the wall opposite her cot. "This whole place is a prison."

The hair on Misato's arms stood up at that.

* * *

Testing that afternoon had been strained, to say the least. Misato's voice over the communication line sounded all business - not that she hadn't been serious about her job before, but the friendliness that usually tinted her words was gone. Shinji was relieved that his father was not present, however, and tried to simply concentrate on performing. He couldn't help but feel glad as he and Kaworu walked together out of the locker rooms...at least he wouldn't have to interact with her until the next test.

He had given into ease too soon. Misato was waiting for them, leaning against the wall opposite of the door as they exited. Shinji felt his heart jump. His initial thought was that she was there for a confrontation. He instinctively took a step in front of Kaworu.

"Good job today, both of you." Misato stood, taking a few steps to meet them. That caught Shinji more off guard.

"Thank you, Katsuragi-san." Kaworu smiled. Misato did not smile back. Shinji remained silent, waiting for what Misato was really here for. She wouldn't have come down just to say that.

"Listen, I'm going back to Germany for a few days. Testing is going to be postponed until then. I'd rather you both not come to headquarters while I'm gone unless you're called for an emergency, so please don't leave anything you need in the locker room." She said. Shinji didn't even bother asking why. He was already looking forward to not going into NERV for a while.

"I hope you have a safe trip." He responded. "Is anything wrong in Germany?"

"No, I'm just there to do some research." Her eyes flickered, a sign that Shinji had come to learn meant that she was leaving out an important part of the story. "You two...just take care of each other in the meantime." She smiled.

This was confusing. It was not even eight hours prior that she had been reprimanding him. Why was she acting like it hadn't happened?

"The other thing is..." Misato hesitated, as if deciding how to carefully phrase what was coming next, "...Rei was discharged from the hospital today."

"Ayanami?" The name felt like a ghost on Shinji's tongue. It had been almost as crushing to him to find out that she was alive as it was when he thought she had died in the self-destruction of Unit 00, after everything that Ritsuko had shown them...

"Yes, and I know you haven't seen her since she was injured, so I just wanted to let you know." Misato's face couldn't hide that she was thinking along the same lines as Shinji. Her eyes then shifted briefly to Kaworu, who merely looked to be curiously observing what was being displayed before him.

"Well, then." She finally said after a few moments, putting her hand on Shinji's shoulder. "Be good." A warm smile, then, "No more drinking."

Shinji wanted to say something as she turned around and walked away. He wanted to tell her to come home okay, to not get herself into the kind of trouble that Kaji did, to find happiness and come back the Misato that he had met when he had first come to Tokyo-3. He wanted to apologize for hurting her feelings in the morning. But nothing came out, and she disappeared around the corner. Kaworu's fingers brushed lightly against the back of his hand.

"Are you alright?" He asked quietly. Shinji nodded, though he wasn't really sure.

"I'm just surprised...about Rei." He admitted, rubbing the spot on his shoulder where Misato had placed her affectionate touch.

"Her injuries were extensive, then?" Kaworu carried Shinji's bag for him as they began to walk.

"That's what we were told. We haven't been allowed to see her." Shinji's feet suddenly felt very heavy. After what he had seen happen to Rei, he wasn't sure that he could even bear to see her in the hospital. How could that even had really been her in the hospital, anyway? "I thought she had died."

"That must have been very hard for you." Kaworu responded. Shinji wanted to cry. He wanted to break down, right there, and tell Kaworu everything about Rei. He wanted Kaworu to take the burden away.

Again, he said nothing.

"Would you like to go see her?" Kaworu asked as they left NERV. It was an understandable question, but it made Shinji feel woozy to hear it. He remained silent for a few moments, thoughts and scenarios playing out simultaneously in his mind. Kaworu's fingers brushed against his in a show of comfort, and the thoughts stopped.

"Yes."

* * *

The two stood outside Rei's door, Shinji gently scooting errant mail that had spilled from the stuffed slot to the floor with his foot. He needed a few deep breaths.

"Are you sure you don't want me to wait downstairs?" Kaworu asked one more time. Shinji shook his head. He knew he needed to see Rei. He also knew that he was not able to face her alone. He reached his loose fist up, intending to knock, when the metallic click of the handle sounded and the door slowly swung inward.

"Ikari-kun." Rei's voice was soft and sounded like a whisper through a wall, just like he had remembered it. She looked just like he remembered too; school uniform, slightly wrinkled on the skirt and at the collar, dim red eyes, neutral expression. Not a scratch on her.

"Rei...hi..." He said, stumbling for what to say, how to feel. He wanted to hug her. He wanted to run away.

"I heard your voice at the door." She said. Her eyes moved to his left.

"Misato said that you were discharged today..." He continued nervously. "And I wanted to see how you were doing."

"Who is this?" She asked, not responding to Shinji's concern.

"Oh! Sorry, this is Nagisa Kaworu...he's the Fifth Child." Shinji turned to Kaworu as he introduced him. Kaworu's usual smile was gone. Shinji looked back to Rei, who observed Kaworu dispassionately. It had maybe occurred to him once or twice before that Rei and Kaworu had similar features, but now it was blatant how much they looked like one another. Shinji felt his stomach turn slightly - they looked like they could be siblings, easily.

"Pleased to meet you." Rei said, holding her hand out in greeting. Shinji was shocked. Rei wasn't one to touch others altogether, no less initiate contact herself. Kaworu looked down at her hand, seemingly hesitating, before reaching out for it with his own.

"Likewise..." He said as his fingers slid into hers. "Oh..." Their palms touched, and Kaworu looked like he might sink to the floor. His eyes closed briefly, his face flushed, and he retracted his hand quickly, stuffing it into his pocket. Shinji glanced back to Rei, who kept her gaze on Kaworu.

"Are you okay?" Shinji asked. Kaworu managed a smile, though it was obviously forced.

"Yes, of course. I'm just more tired than I thought I was. Please, allow me to wait downstairs for you while you catch up with one another." He said, turning and walking before Shinji could insist that he stay. Shinji faced Rei again, not sure of what to say next.

"Is there something you needed, Ikari-kun?" Rei asked. She appeared unaffected.

"No...I just..." Shinji looked down at his shoes, regretting his decision to see her. "I just wanted to see if you were okay. And to thank you for saving me with Unit 00."

"I am...satisfactory." Rei answered. She did not respond to the thanks.

"Right. Well, I'm sorry to have disturbed you." Shinji felt awful. He wasn't sure what he wanted when he came here, but this feeling wasn't it. He turned to leave.

"Thank you..." Rei's voice caused him to stop and turn back. For this brief moment, she looked familiar again. "Ikari...thank you for coming."

"Ah..." He smiled at her. He couldn't help it. "It's no trouble. I'll see you at headquarters sometime." She nodded and turned, shutting the door behind her.

Shinji was cursing himself by the time he reached the top of the stairs. Why had he come here? What was he expecting? Reis upon Reis upon Reis...was this the Rei he knew? She knew him on sight, by voice. And when she had thanked him, her voice carried that rare tenderness that he linked with his most treasured memories of her. But that was not the Rei he remembered, not completely. And it wasn't due to the fact that he now understood about her origins, though that did not make the meeting any easier for him. There was something more to her now, something lying just outside the reach of his comprehension, he could feel it - some strange sense radiating from just behind or beyond her. Still, on a more basic level, he was glad that she was there, present, existing in a form that he understood.

Kaworu was sitting on the bottom step as he descended, arms wrapped around his knees, resting his head on his lap. He looked like he was shivering, even though the day was as hot as any other in this never-ending summer. He didn't even look up as Shinji approached him, as if he couldn't hear the footsteps as they echoed in the empty stairway.

"Kaworu?" Shinji gently placed his hand on Kaworu's head. "What's wrong?"

"Mm..." Kaworu lifted his chin, rubbing against Shinji's touch. "Nothing. Maybe I'm just a little sick from the alcohol yesterday." He smiled reassuringly, standing a little unsteadily to his feet.

"Are you sure? Should I call a car to take us back?" Shinji allowed Kaworu to balance himself while holding onto Shinji's shoulders.

"No, really, I'm fine. The walk will be nice." He insisted, brushing fevered lips against Shinji's forehead. "Let's go home, yes?"

* * *

The walk home was indeed very nice. The sun was setting as they left Rei's building, the stars revealing themselves one by one as darkness deepened over the city. Kaworu was unusually silent but not distant, reaching out every so often to hold Shinji's hand or put his arm around his shoulders, his eyes kept steadily ahead, expression lost in thought. This was okay with Shinji, as he had a lot to process about the day himself. Kaworu's mood seemed to lighten the closer they got to home, his innocent touches turning into more flirty caresses and pinches, and Shinji played along by pretending to be offended or lightly slapping his hand away, which would make Kaworu laugh and only try harder. But when they got to the elevator, it was Shinji who pushed the taller boy against the metal wall, furiously grinding against him, hands yanking down on his belt line, alternately kissing and biting at his white neck. Kaworu was stronger than he was, and could have easily flipped Shinji around and taken him instead; but he welcomed Shinji's advances, his knees bending with weakness, holding Shinji against him and shuddering lightly. It turned Shinji on feeling Kaworu under him like that, and he felt all the pent-up stress and anger and sadness he had been accumulating in his body all day transform into an aggressive lust, Kaworu's ragged breaths boosting his confidence and driving his hips harder against him. Shinji needed distraction. He needed release.

Kaworu seemed to enjoy it just as much as they stumbled into is apartment, still tangled up in one another. He fell backwards onto the bed, pulling Shinji down on top of him, his long legs trapping Shinji as they wrapped around his waist. Kaworu pushed his hips up against him and Shinji groaned in return, pressing himself down into Kaworu so hard he thought he might be hurting him if it wasn't for the pleased gasps coming out of pale lips as they brushed against his own. Their shirts and Kaworu's trousers were off before he even realized what had happened - they had become acquainted enough with each other's bodies and movements by now that clothing was no longer an awkward obstacle.

"Do you...mmm...do you mind this, Kaworu?" Shinji panted, kneeling upright to clumsily undo his own belt buckle. Kaworu grinned and responded by pushing Shinji back, taking care of his pants for him, kissing him under the chin and over his chest and then _oh, oh, there..._all he could feel was Kaworu's warm mouth on him, curiously licking at first, then enveloping completely. Shinji had fantasized about this before, touching himself to the vision of random pretty girls (and once or twice to the idea of Kaworu), but the real thing was nothing he could have prepared himself for. He felt a vibration throughout his core as Kaworu slid down his shaft and hummed, Shinji pushing forward into the sensation. He propped up on his elbows, feeling the need to look, and nearly lost himself right there - Kaworu's eyes looked up at him, darkened with want, his free hand slowly stroking his own erection while he pleasured Shinji's.

"Ahh...Kaworu, stop...please..." Shinji begged, unable to pull Kaworu off himself.

"Why?" Kaworu asked, pulling away, a slight pout to his voice. "You're reacting favorably to it..."

"That's not it..." Shinji scooted back from under Kaworu, then crawled back on top of him, his hands exploring the hot pale skin beneath him, and Kaworu smiled up at him with adoration."I just want to do more, if that's okay?"

"I would like that..." Kaworu breathed against his lips as Shinji began to touch him between his legs, running his hand up and down lightly, then gripping it in his fist and stroking firmly, slowly, watching Kaworu's expression become more and more undone beneath him. He knew what he wanted; he wanted to feel Kaworu the same way that Kaworu had been feeling him, but he wanted to do it right - he wasn't as confident as Kaworu was, after all.

"Shinji...ah!" Kaworu interrupted his hesitation. "It's okay...Shinji, please do whatever you want to me..."

That was enough to eliminate any meekness that Shinji had left. He began to return Kaworu's technique, lowering his mouth onto his straining member, and Kaworu moaned agreeably. Shinji found that he rather enjoyed doing this as much as he enjoyed it being done to him, taking a little more of Kaworu into his mouth with each pass, savoring the taste of Kaworu's hard flesh as his gasps and hitched breaths encouraged Shinji to go on. He couldn't deny to himself that he liked when Kaworu took control of his body - liked it a lot, actually - but now he discovered that there was also something to seeing those red eyes look at him with need, a pleading need that told Shinji without words that he was the only one that could give Kaworu what he desired most. Shinji could feel his self-control slipping as he became entirely driven by Kaworu's reactions, using his other hand to gently touch his sensitive spot, the way that Kaworu had done to him.

"Shinji..." Kaworu managed to murmur, his tone indicating warning, but Shinji ignored him, his eyes flicking upward to meet Kaworu staring down at him. He pushed a finger slowly inside and felt Kaworu's body give up; Kaworu cried out loudly as his hips pushed upwards, a warmness invading Shinji's mouth and dripping down his throat as he swallowed.

"I'm sorry..." Shinji gasped a little for air as he looked up, wiping his lips with the back of his hand, unable to hide the self-satisfied smile that was creeping across his face. "I really couldn't help it..."

"Hah...don't look so pleased with yourself..." Kaworu grinned, breath still heavy, sitting up and moving towards Shinji. Shinji settled his back against the wall as Kaworu hovered over him, straddling him between milky thighs. "If you think I'm done with you, you would be mistaken." Shinji sighed gratefully as Kaworu bent forward to kiss his neck, gripping Kaworu's hips in his hands as Kaworu lowered himself closer, closer, until Shinji could feel resistance, and then a bit more. Shinji inhaled sharply and closed his eyes as he felt himself enter slowly, Kaworu shivering and tightening around him as he settled slowly onto him. A breathy groan escaped Shinji's lips as he pressed his forehead against Kaworu's chest, Kaworu's shaking arms encircling his neck. Just the feeling, just the _idea_ that he was inside of Kaworu made him a little light-headed. Somewhere in his mind, under the overstimulation between his legs and the feeling of Kaworu's fingertips tracing light swirls on the back of his shoulders, he felt something like a deep gratitude. Thankful to Kaworu for letting him do this to him, for letting him into his body and into his life.

When he opened his eyes again, Kaworu was staring at him curiously, mouth slightly open, silver hair falling like a veil over eyes that seemed so much more bright than usual, to the point where they were nearly glowing at him through the darkness of the room. His expression was strange - as if he were looking at Shinji for the very first time, attempting to recognize him.

"Kaworu?" Shinji tried to remember how to breath. "Does it feel okay?"

"Oh, yes..." Kaworu smiled, and his face was back to normal; his eyes even seemed to dim a bit as he tilted his head down, pressing his forehead against Shinji's. Trick of the light, probably, Shinji thought. "Is it all right...can I move for you?"

Shinji bit his lip and nodded, and Kaworu moved up slightly and forward, waiting for a moment before sinking himself back down. Shinji gasped; he could feel the blood pumping in his head, pulsing louder as Kaworu's pace quickened in accordance to Shinji's pulling at his hips. Kaworu reached in between his legs, gently nursing his own growing hardness, and he threw his head back when Shinji began to push up to meet him, mouth open in a slight smile as he panted Shinji's name over and over again. Shinji could not take his eyes away from the creature happily squirming in his lap, how uninhibited he was with his movements and sounds, joyous even, to the point where his moans began to sound like soft singing in Shinji's ears. He wanted to make Kaworu cum again, to turn that soft song into unintelligible screaming...he wanted to Kaworu to feel like Shinji did when he was being taken, that sensation where gentle sounds are no longer possible.

But instead, Kaworu leaned down, resting his chin on Shinji's shoulder, his hands trailing down his back, and began to whisper _thank you, thank you, thank you_ between the delighted sounds he made when Shinji drove himself up into him, and Shinji knew that could not bear it any longer. His hands forced Kaworu down, his head knocking backwards into the wall behind him as he his body released against his will. He shuddered with aftershocks as Kaworu kissed him lightly, playfully biting his bottom lip as Shinji moaned and sighed underneath him.

"Sorry..." Shinji muttered again, this time meaning it, Kaworu still smiling softly and slowly fingering his erection as he carefully lifted onto his knees off of Shinji. Shinji noticed that Kaworu's strange expression had come back.

"Turn around." Kaworu said quietly. Shinji hesitated, not sure what Kaworu was intending, but did as he was told, straining with exhaustion as he pushed himself up to kneel, turning to face the wall. Kaworu's arms wrapped from behind around his chest, fingers gliding over his skin, giving him goosebumps all over.

"That was really nice..." Kaworu murmured, kissing the sensitive spot behind his ear. "Would you mind very much if we kept going?" Shinji didn't even know if he was _capable_ at this point, his body was so tired, but Kaworu's touches felt even more electric than before as they ran up and down his skin. He found himself loudly moaning soon enough, Kaworu's hand gently stroking him hard again.

"Put your hands on the wall, please..." Kaworu whispered against his ear, and Shinji complied, turning his head to watch Kaworu. Something felt...different. Kaworu pressed his chest against Shinji's back, one hand sliding up Shinji's arm and pressing against his own on the wall, the other reaching down to rub against his aching sex, before he buried himself inside without warning. Shinji cried out and braced himself, pushing against the wall with his hands to hold himself up as Kaworu began to thrust into him. It felt good, so good, and part of him wondered if they could just keep doing this for the rest of his life, nothing but this over and over again, no other feeling but he and Kaworu loving one another with their whole bodies. His head fell forward as he began to push back to meet Kaworu's thrusting and Kaworu growled in response, his hand moving from Shinji's hand to his hip, gripping him firmly with shaking fingers.

And then, suddenly, Shinji felt it. Something _was_ different. It was like he could sense Kaworu more than ever, as if the lines between them were becoming irrelevant, and a darkness began to come over him. Kaworu bucked into him, hard, and he fell forward, the feeling of active surrender washing over his entire being. He felt Kaworu's arms quickly wrap around his chest, pulling Shinji up to his knees and against him. Shinji let his head fall back onto Kaworu's shoulder, his hands gently resting on Kaworu's hips behind him before he started to let himself go completely, unwilling to control his body any longer. He peered through his increasingly blurry vision to see Kaworu's eyes, darkened by lust but still somehow shining through the dim light. He closed his eyes again as Kaworu's mouth moved down his neck, kissing and sucking in all the right places as he continued to push himself up into Shinji.

Shinji felt like he was being devoured. He didn't mind at all.

"Is...is this what you wish for?" Kaworu breathed against his cheek, his teeth trailing against his skin to Shinji's ear. Shinji could only whimper in response, far too gone at this point to remember how to speak, but he managed to turn his face into the crook of Kaworu's neck and nuzzle it lightly, knowing that Kaworu would understand what he wanted.

Kaworu slowly moved his hand up Shinji's spine and buried his fingers in dark hair, pulling Shinji's head back slightly, exposing his throat completely against Kaworu's shoulder. Like a sacrificial lamb. Kaworu's tongue run down from jaw to his collar bone and Shinji's scalp began to tingle under Kaworu's palm. He could feel himself begin to shake with utter ecstasy - Kaworu held him steady with his other arm, his thrusting turning into long, slow, gentle strokes, bringing images of a lazy sea lapping softly at the sand behind Shinji's eyelids. Kaworu made a broken, needy sound in the back of his throat as Shinji felt the electricity under Kaworu's long, pale fingers began to pulse, then penetrate, deeper into what Shinji felt could only be his mind. They were one, but also something else, something alien, something _more_, and he could feel his all of his thoughts, his self begin to unravel...

Almost of its own volition, his hand rose up away from Kaworu's hip and placed itself against his porcelain cheek.

Kaworu gasped - not the kind of soft, wanting gasps he had been making, but a harsh and necessary gasp; the kind of sound one would make as they broke the surface of the water after nearly drowning. His hand quickly slid away from Shinji's hair and rested unsteadily against Shinji's stomach instead; his movements slowing and then stopping altogether while he trailed gentle kisses across the back of Shinji's shoulders. Shinji could feel his mind clear slowly as he caught his breath, resting his own hands against the ones Kaworu pressed lovingly against his abdomen.

"Mm...Kaworu...?" Shinji murmured, turning to face him.

Kaworu shifted, meeting Shinji's curious eyes. His demeanor had changed, suddenly now communicating more affection through his body than possession, and his expression had softened in addition to his touches. His eyes, though still beautiful, had dimmed once again to the comforting red hue to which Shinji had grown accustomed. He sighed contentedly, brushing his nose against Shinji's neck.

"Yes, Shinji?" He answered finally, his arms hugging Shinji tighter against his chest.

"Um...could you...keep going?" Shinji smiled shyly. What had just happened was a little strange, intense, but it had not been unpleasant - Shinji had enjoyed it, actually. And Kaworu seemed fine.

Kaworu laughed and kissed Shinji's cheek, then suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him down onto the bed with him. Shinji yelped with surprise before Kaworu covered Shinji's open mouth with a kiss, stealing the breath from his chest as he held Shinji fast against him. Shinji let out a tiny mewl and he felt Kaworu's lips smile against his own, Kaworu's gentle humming vibrating against his tongue as Shinji wrapped his arms lovingly around his neck. To Shinji's disappointment, Kaworu pulled away for a moment, then brought a hand up to lightly stroke Shinji's bottom lip with his thumb. Shinji sighed and wriggled impatiently beneath him and Kaworu laughed again, gently pinching Shinji's pout and pulling it down. Shinji's brows furrowed and he reached out, pinching Kaworu's cheek in return.

"Impatient little one..." Kaworu murmured and grinned in a way that reminded Shinji of a hungry fox from a children's book. "Let me apologize for making you wait, then..."

* * *

The sun was just rising, deep orange streams of light peaking through the blinds, when Shinji woke up to the feeling of Kaworu's gentle kisses over his eyelids. He had wanted to sleep in late, to take advantage of skipping school and no work responsibilities, but his voice stopped just short of his tongue and he kissed Kaworu softly on the mouth instead, resting his hands against Kaworu's warm chest as he was pulled in closer to his body. They made slow, sleepy love all morning in that way, short naps in between climaxes, each waking the other periodically with wordless caresses from careful fingers tips and lips, the only speech exchanged being whispered _I love you_'s and each other's names. They handled their bodies with more care than they had previously; whereas the first few times had been frantic, desperate - these moments were held in their hands like fragile keepsakes that could break with the wrong touch. Countless times into the afternoon they built each other painstakingly up to the peak of pleasure, releasing with loving ease, lazily tangling arms and legs for warmth while resting in between moments. Shinji now understood what Kaworu had meant by calling it worship.

Shinji really did surprise himself with how quickly he took to this new activity. Even later, after they decided to take a break and actually get out of bed for the day, he found himself standing outside the bathroom door, shivering at the thought of Kaworu taking a bath on the other side. Kaworu was humming, and Shinji, who had only moments before felt that he must have had enough sex that morning to last a lifetime, was filled with the inexplicable desire to turn that innocent humming into moaning, moaning for him and only him. He tried to scold himself into restraint, but it wasn't terribly effective, and before he knew it he had opened the door, Kaworu smiling curiously as he undressed and climbed on top of him, the warm water easing his sore body as Kaworu dug his nails into his backside.

"Ahh...hah...Shinji, you've made a mess..." Kaworu teased when they were finished, holding Shinji's panting body against his own. The floor around the tub was covered in water.

"Mm..." Shinji acknowledged. He was too busy trying to breathe to apologize. Kaworu clucked his tongue soothingly, resting his head on the rim of the tub and closing his eyes.

"You're quite insatiable..." He smiled, running his fingers lightly down Shinji's back. "I had no idea."

"Er...!" Shinji squirmed, embarrassed, and tried to sit up. "I didn't...! I'm sorry..."

"No, it's nice." Kaworu reassured, holding Shinji's palms up before kissing each one in the center, blushing only slightly. "It's nice to feel desired by you." Shinji sighed, then smiled. No one but Kaworu could take an insecurity and turn it into a compliment.

"I should clean this up..." Shinji looked down at the wet floor, shakily standing up in the tub. Kaworu grinned and reached up, caressing up the inside of his thigh, and Shinji scurried out.

"Enough!" Shinji resisted the advance, grabbing a towel to cover himself.

"Ah, that's what you said before, though." Kaworu smiled, following Shinji out of the tub, pressing the shorter boy's body against the wall with his own, gently tugging at the thin towel that separated them.

"Sh-shut up." Shinji said, though he could feel his legs spreading against his will to allow Kaworu to lean harder against him. "I meant it this time."

"I like this game, Shinji." Kaworu's breath was hot against his ear as he lifted Shinji up against the wall, Shinji's legs wrapping around his waist. "I could pleasure you all day if you wanted, you only need ask..."

Shinji thought he might pass out; the heat from the water and sex on top of his heart racing made him feel light-headed as Kaworu tentatively licked at his chest. Before he could make another half-hearted protest, though, his stomach interrupted on his behalf by growling loudly.

"Ugh..." He smiled apologetically when Kaworu looked up at him with amused surprise. "Sorry. We haven't eaten since yesterday."

Kaworu insisted on Shinji staying at the apartment while he went to the corner store to pick up ingredients, and though Shinji wanted to go with him, he couldn't deny Kaworu when he was being so protective (and cute). So Kaworu dressed and kissed him playfully on the head before leaving. Shinji almost instantly regretted it; being alone now made him nervous. Being with Kaworu was a distraction as much as it was a comfort to him - if he were busy with Kaworu, he didn't have to think about what had been going on over the last few days. He settled onto the futon, playing loud music on Kaworu's dock, mindlessly flipping through a book about classical piano music that he had pulled from the shelf. But his mind turned to Misato, to Ayanami. He wondered when the next angel attack would come, what would happen, what would he do...

He nearly had a panic attack when his phone rang, expecting it to be NERV calling him, unprepared to handle this moment. When Kaworu's name came flashing on the screen, he laughed to himself, and when Kaworu apologized for being at the grocery and not knowing the first thing about what to buy, he laughed even harder. He was glad to throw his shoes on and run down to the store, to meet Kaworu there and show him what to pick out and how to tell if it was good or not. He didn't care if he was hiding from the rest of his life - he wanted to enjoy this now, while he could. He didn't even bother to pretend to complain when Kaworu grabbed him from behind while he was trying to cook, letting him take him one more time against the kitchen counter while the rice cooker hissed from built-up steam.

* * *

"You have a lot of medications." Shinji noted after dinner as Kaworu counted his pills in front of him on the futon. Kaworu shrugged and opened another orange bottle, shaking out two tiny red tablets.

"I'm used to it." He said, gathering the small handful of pills in his hand. "I've been taking them as long as I can remember."

"What are they all for?" Shinji asked, stretching out on his belly. "You don't seem sick."

"They're supposed to keep me from getting sick, actually." Kaworu let half of the handful fall into his mouth, chasing it with a long drink of water. "My immune system is compromised, at least that's how it was explained to me."

"Oh." Shinji watched Kaworu take the rest of the pills, and blushed with embarrassment when the question _Is that why you look the way you do?_ came automatically to his mind. Kaworu looked down and grinned.

"It's okay, Shinji, I can guess as to what you're wondering about." He said, gathering the bottles up and storing them on the shelf with his books. "It did occur to me at some point that I look a little different than everyone else. And you're not the first person to notice it, either."

"Sorry." Shinji muttered into a pillow. "It's just...you look so much like Ayanami, you know?" Kaworu stiffened, looking away from Shinji, and didn't reply. Shinji realized he didn't want to talk about it, either.

"How long have you been playing piano?" He changed the subject, pointing to the book he had taken down earlier. Kaworu's expression softened as he stretched out on his back next to Shinji.

"Since I was seven or so, I think." He answered. "I play violin a little as well. I've only ever played alone, though."

"We should play together, sometime." Shinji suggested, sitting up. "I've never played with a piano before."

"I would like that." Kaworu smiled. "Would you play for me now? I still haven't heard your cello."

Shinji nodded and Kaworu sat up, waiting patiently as Shinji sat up a folding chair and carefully removed the cello from it's case.

"I haven't played for a bit...I'm probably a little rusty." Shinji always minimized his playing to other people who watched or listened, but that was purely a defence mechanism - the reality was that he was good, very good. Growing up he had always received praise from his music instructors, but never from anyone that really mattered to him - his foster family had been far too busy with their own lives to even come to one recital. After a while he started refusing to do recitals at all, though he still went to lessons, and as he grew he realized he actually took great pleasure in playing alone. The cello would sing soft and low to him as he played, a sort of release slipping through his fingers as he manipulated the strings this way and that. It was not unusual to discover himself crying mid-piece.

"It's a gorgeous instrument." Kaworu said as Shinji positioned himself behind it, hands falling with a graceful familiarity onto its neck.

"Yes..." Shinji agreed, placing the bow against the body, adjusting the strings slightly. "It was my mother's. Father had destroyed all of her things after she died, but this was in the attic at my uncle's, and they let me keep it."

"How lovely." Kaworu smiled. Shinji sat silent for a moment, arms poised and ready, deciding on what to play. Then it began, automatically, without effort; the prelude of Bach's Cello Suite Number 1, his favorite and most practiced piece. He did not forget that Kaworu was there, watching him quietly, but it didn't jar him like it would if it had been anyone else, anyone else at all - he felt free, able to play the way that he loved, and this time each drag across the strings was filled with _I love you, do you hear this? I love you_.He could feel the tears building up behind his closed eyes but he didn't care, and the last note rang clear and vibrant in his mind before he reached up to rub them away with the back of his hand. Kaworu's hands were over his within moments, carefully leaning over the cello to kiss Shinji's eyes and fingers, whispering _That was beautiful, you are beautiful, please don't cry, I love you_...Shinji insisted on putting the cello away himself before he crawled into bed next to Kaworu, who read him poetry from his books and made love to him twice more before they fell asleep for the night.

* * *

They woke late the next morning and Shinji cooked breakfast while Kaworu did a little cleaning to busy himself in the meantime. Shinji found that Kaworu preferred to keep his long bangs out of his face while doing housework, and he got the job done by fixing them back with a small plastic hair clip that he had found at the corner store when he moved to Tokyo-3 - it was designed with a small girl child in mind and had a bright blue daisy on the end. Shinji could hardly stop laughing every time he turned to see him like that.

"What? It's practical?" Kaworu frowned with confusion as he sorted the laundry. Shinji could only nod and stifle a giggle as he turned back to his cooking.

Afterwards, Kaworu took Shinji to an abandoned school building not far from his apartment. Shinji felt nervous as Kaworu led him through a crumbling break in the wall, holding tightly onto his hand as Kaworu's pace fastened through the darkened hallways.

"Here, this is it." Kaworu finally said excitedly, leading him into an auditorium bathed in sunlight under a half-destroyed ceiling. Rubble and dust lay all around, but on the stage, miraculously preserved, was a black grand piano.

"Oh!" Shinji smiled as Kaworu sat on the bench, patting the spot next to him for Shinji. "How did you find this?"

"I had a lot of spare time before you came along." Kaworu ran his fingers lightly along the keys. "And beautiful things are all around us, if you have the will to look for them. Since I don't have my own, it seemed like fate when I found this." He struck one random key, a clear tone ringing against the decaying walls and echoing back again. He then closed his eyes and sighed contentedly, smile growing wider as his fingers began to find each note by memory. Shinji leaned his head against Kaworu's shoulder, watching his hands move in perfect harmony as he played. They agreed to bring the cello with them the next day.

"Did you ever want to be anything other than a pilot?" Shinji asked later as the two lay side by side on the wooden floor next to the piano. The sun hung heavy in the sky; the late afternoon heat was making him sleepy.

"I don't know." Kaworu answered, his eyes focused on the sky above. "I don't suppose I ever really thought about it. What about you?" He turned his face towards Shinji. "What did you want to be, as a child?"

"I...don't know either, I guess." Shinji mumbled. "I didn't think..." He trailed off, turning on his side towards Kaworu but not meeting his gaze. "I never thought I would live this long, to be honest."

Kaworu stayed silent, but reached his arm out, placing his hand on top of Shinji's. Shinji grasped it tightly.

"I'm very glad that you did." Kaworu finally spoke, Shinji shifting over to rest his head upon his chest. He could hear Kaworu's steady heart beat, his easy breaths go slowly in and out.

"I'm sorry..." Shinji sighed. "You must get so sick of me saying things like that, after all you've been through..."

"Please don't compare. You've suffered greatly at the hands of those that you've loved." Kaworu cut him off gently, running his fingers through Shinji's hair. "And I've never been loved by anyone but you. Our experiences are different in that way."

"You and my mother are the only ones that ever loved me." Shinji's hand tightened around Kaworu's again. "Kids in school used to ask me...if my father killed my mother. I hated them for that. And after he left me, I felt that maybe I was the only one that even remembered her, that loved her. I wanted...to go with her, to go away from everyone. But I was scared of that also. I wanted someone to care, whether I lived or died."

Kaworu listened quietly, his fingers wrapped firmly around Shinji's.

"But you, you never even had parents." Shinji continued. "Do you remember them at all?"

"No, I don't." His tone was neutral. "I've only ever known NERV."

"You're so calm about it all." Shinji noted with admiration, undoing and redoing one of the buttons on Kaworu's shirt with his free hand to occupy his fingers. "Not like Asuka at all, even though you trained in the same place."

"She and I were trained and raised quite differently, I would imagine." Kaworu's palm rested just above Shinji's forehead, pulling his dark bangs away from his eyes. "From what you've told me, her most important motivation is her control of her destiny. I was never given the impression that I had any control over my life or death whatsoever."

"That sounds terrible." Shinji put one hand on each side of Kaworu's shoulders, propping himself up to see his face.

"Perhaps. But there's a freedom in it, also." Kaworu mused, reaching one hand up to stroke Shinji's cheek with the back of his hand. "Every small liberty is a joy to me. Every choice I get to make on my own makes me very happy."

"I don't understand that at all." Shinji muttered as Kaworu lifted his head and shoulders off of the floor, resting on his elbows. "I feel sometimes that every choice I make is wrong."

"That's because the people that you wish to gain approval from do not agree with your decisions. But truthfully, there are no wrong choices." Kaworu let his head hang back, his face turned upwards as the clouds broke to spill sun through the open ceiling. "The ability to make a choice, that's all that matters. The effect of your choice, and how you deal with it, is how you grow in this world."

Shinji nodded, even though he didn't completely understand. Kaworu turned his face back towards him, rubbing his forehead affectionately against Shinji's.

"I'm grateful for everything that's happened in my life." He said quietly. "It all led me to you." Shinji blushed and gave a small smile.

"But still..." Shinji was in awe of how at peace Kaworu could seem. "Weren't you ever scared?"

"Yes." Kaworu answered simply. "Often."

"But not anymore?"

"No." Kaworu smiled. "Not anymore."

* * *

Misato could hardly help from tearing open the files being handed over to her as soon as they were in front of her. But that wasn't entirely professional, or lady-like. The classified documents slid easily into her satchel, though it made her chest tighten with anxiety to know that they were sitting there, unread.

"I very much appreciate this." She mouthed for what she thought might be literally the hundredth time as she pretended to type on her laptop. The man two tables diagonal from her smirked. It reminded her of Kaji for a moment, or maybe even Hyuga. Ichigo was a very trusted employee at the NERV Germany branch. He was also a good friend and ally to have in these sorts of times - his parents died during the Katsuragi Expedition.

"I wish I could do more." He mouthed covertly, nonchalantly turning a page in his newspaper. "Most of the information from our parent's research was destroyed. This was all that I could find."

"Anything is helpful." She said, switching her decoy activity to a fake call on her cell phone.

"What about dinner later?" He checked his watch, then went back to his paper. "I forgot how fun it was to read lips."

"Sorry, can't." Misato smiled, standing. "My dance card is full."

* * *

_In case anyone was wondering what poem Shinji liked best, it was Poem #14 by Pablo Neruda...especially the last part._

_"You are here. Oh, you do not run away._

_You will answer me to the last cry._

_Cling to me as though you were frightened._

_Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes._

_Now, now too, little one, you bring me honeysuckle,_

_and even your breasts smell of it._

_While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies_

_I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth._

_How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me,_

_my savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running._

_So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes,_

_and over our heads the gray light unwind in turning fans._

_My words rained over you, stroking you._

_A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body._

_I go so far as to think that you own the universe._

_I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells,_

_dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses._

_I want_

_to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."_


	5. I Want to Know You

_Chapter Five, as promised! Happy belated Kawoshin Day, by the way!_

* * *

Kaworu growled, but this was decidedly not from Shinji's thigh rubbing back and forth between his legs. Shinji's eyes opened, but barely, to look questioningly at the boy who had just moments before been frantically kissing everything between his forehead and his clavicle.

"Hm? Kaworu?" He murmured, nipping at Kaworu's slim jawline. Whatever it was that Shinji had done to irritate him, he was sorry.

"The door...someone knocked on the door." Kaworu breathlessly tried to explain, though he did not let go of Shinji's waist. Shinji's eyes widened now. Was it NERV? Or Misato? It was the middle of their third day off; he had hoped for more time than that. He had hoped for an infinite amount of time.

"Stay here." Kaworu mumbled, straightening his shirt and buttoning his pants back up before standing from the futon. By the look on his face, Shinji could tell that he wasn't thrilled with being interrupted, either. Shinji felt his breath and heart stop as Kaworu opened the door, then start again when Kaworu walked back into the room, alone, with a confused look and a small object in his hand.

"There was no one there." He shrugged, holding out a small cell phone with a white card attached to it. "This is for you."

Shinji took his turn at making a confused face as he stood and took the phone, plying the tape attaching the card off. "SHINJI" it read on one side. The other side read "1700. OUTSIDE, ALONE. - MISATO". Shinji could feel his stomach turn into knots.

"What is it for?" Kaworu asked, sitting back on the futon. Shinji shook his head.

"I don't know." He muttered. He briefly considered tossing it out the window, pretending he had never seen it. He hadn't been home when it was delivered. Whatever. But he couldn't help but think of Misato's sad smile when she left a few days before. He still felt bad about how they had spoken to one another the morning he left. And she had never given him a reason to not trust the things she actually said - only the things that she left unsaid made him nervous.

He checked the clock on the wall - two minutes until five o'clock.

"I'll be right back." He said, smiling with apology and slipping into his sandals. Kaworu nodded, but the concern that turned his usual smile into a more neutral lip line was not easily hid.

The phone rang exactly on time, almost as soon as Shinji stepped outside the front doors of the building.

"Misato?" He answered, partially annoyed, but mostly worried.

"Just listen." Misato cut him off. Her voice sounded far away and muffled. "At 1730 you are to get into the security car that is parked on the corner. The agent is a friend of mine, he'll bring you to where I am. You'll be free from observation for 90 minutes."

Shinji's stomach knots turned into blades. This was beginning to sound too familiar, too much like Ritsuko. Misato continued, not giving him the chance to interject or even catch his breath.

"I need to have a conversation with you, in private, so come alone. This phone is not being tapped either. Just leave it on the ground when you go back in, it will be taken care of." A small pause, then, "This is very important, Shinji. Please do what I ask."

Click.

Shinji stood, stiff, unable to move or take the phone away from his ear or even blink for several moments. Then, as if by mechanical instinct alone, he dropped the phone on the ground, turned casually around and walked back into the building. He waited to start hyperventilating until he was at the apartment door, where he found himself almost unable to remember the function of a door handle. Thankfully, Kaworu had heard his labored breathing on the other side and saved him the trouble, catching him as he stumbled into the room. It took several minutes for him to calm down, Kaworu silently rubbing his back, before he could tell him what had happened. Kaworu listened thoughtfully, though he didn't seem to fully understand - not without any knowledge about what had happened the last time Shinji received a similar phone call.

"You should go if you want to, Shinji." Kaworu finally said, though he didn't seem happy to say it. "But if I am to be honest, it makes me worry a little."

"I trust Misato, mostly." Shinji sighed, putting his head in his hands in exasperation. "But all this...it makes me uncomfortable." He glanced up at the clock again - ten minutes to decide.

"And you're sure I can't come with you?" Kaworu asked, leaning forward, his elbows balanced on his knees.

"She made it pretty clear that I should come by myself." Shinji let his head turn towards Kaworu's gaze. "Whoever is driving probably wouldn't even let you in the car. And I don't know where we're going, so I can't have you meet me anywhere. But...I don't think Misato would do this unless she really had to. She's not that kind of a person."

"You've decided to go, then?"

"I guess." Shinji sighed again, taking Kaworu's arm and putting it around his shoulders. "Yeah. But I'll come right back here, so don't worry."

"I'll be waiting, then." Kaworu hugged Shinji closer to him and smiled, but it was strained.

* * *

Misato sighed, hanging up her phone and tossing it into the passenger seat of her car as she sped through the half-empty city. Navigating a private conversation with one of her pilots seemed next to impossible, and she hoped all the favors she had pulled had gone through for the short 90 minutes she needed Shinji to be alone. She had even gotten Hyuga to run decoy feed through the monitoring equipment that had been placed secretly in Nagisa's apartment. She could trust that Shinji would speak to her outside in private; she had figured that he'd be more receptive alone without his playmate standing right next to him. But she was confident that he would tell the Fifth Child about the conversation right afterwards, as she was even more confident that neither one of them was aware that they were under surveillance in the first place. At least she hoped that they weren't aware, especially after the awkward moment she and Hyuga shared when they actually reviewed the videos. They were teenaged boys, after all; though it was hard for her to actually think of Shinji as such, at least in that respect. She just hoped that Intelligence wasn't too disappointed when they realized that all they had on the two pilots was some amateur porn and a few cooking lessons.

Everything was moving so quickly, so much so that she still had not decided how she wanted to approach the whole situation. The information that she was able to procure, while incomplete and not entirely conclusive, was still rather suspicious. Once Ritsuko was allowed to work again, they might be able to do a little more with the help of the Magi and her own personal connections in the NERV network, but now she would have to work on what she had. She would show the files to Shinji. She would explain her thoughts on the matter. She would do this before she handed the information over to Commander Ikari. That was the plan so far.

He was not going to handle this well, she could guess that much. What is the appropriate reaction to have when you're told that your lover might be working for an ominous organization that may or may not have some devious ideas about the future of mankind? Not that she would know, of course...she hadn't handled the situation very well when she learned of Kaji's second job, and his position wasn't half as mysterious as Nagisa's might very well be. Not that it stopped her from listening to him, sleeping with him, falling back in love with him again.

And it wasn't as if she was so sure that NERV was in a better position to be defending humanity at this point, either. Bit by bit, things were slowly starting to come together for her as they drew closer and closer to what she had always thought would be their last battle. She had hated the idea of the Angels, of another Impact, of not being in control of her own life or destiny - that's why she had joined NERV to begin with. And she had believed in it, too. Believed in it so much that the idea of Shinji being apathetic, of not caring about their mission, used to make her tense up with an emotional rage, as if he were saying that he didn't believe in the lives of millions of human beings, that he didn't believe in _her_. But as time went on, she came to understand more and more that Shinji perhaps understood more than anyone what the real score was; his father was cold, calculating, and quite possibly a psychopath. This man, who she once viewed as the epitome of "cool under pressure", placed children, _his own child_, into what were essentially uncontrollable beasts, forced them to be the heart and soul of these monsters that they barely understood, forced them to sacrifice and lose life and sanity in the process. Forced them to fight and to kill and to maim, not only their enemies but their own comrades. Forced them to do this without any respect for them, their dignity, their personhood, their lives. Shouldn't these children know what they were fighting for? Shouldn't they _all_ know what they were fighting for?

That's why she had to do this, she told herself. It wasn't that she didn't approve of Shinji having a friend, or even a romantic relationship. Part of her was almost grateful to Kaworu for being able to find that part of Shinji, to bring it into existence, even if it was based in a potential ruse. But, as much as Shinji deserved the idea of love, he also deserved the idea of veracity, and if she could start giving that to him for once she knew that she would at least be doing one thing right by him. Love and truth and pain always came together - Shinji would have to learn this and overcome it if he was going to have any chance to survive.

She pulled her hair back into a ponytail after parking, grabbing her bag and quickly rushing into the small office complex. Truth was the ultimate goal at this point. Her own worries, not about the Fifth Child being an agent, but an _angel_, would have to stay with her for now, especially since she had no proof whatsoever. Ritsuko could have just been messing with her head when she had planted that seed; she wasn't entirely stable anymore, so Misato wouldn't put it past her. But the feeling stuck with her, no matter how many times she told herself to rely on facts and facts only. Who knows...maybe all the late nights and the obsessing over work and the practical dissolving of her reality as she knew it recently was making her start to lose it, too. There was no reason to even mention it to Shinji...he would disregard her outright for having no real reason to have such a suspicion. She wouldn't be mentioning it in her report, either - God forbid she was wrong, she'd essentially be sentencing Nagisa to be disappeared in the middle of the night, imprisoned, tortured, or worse. She had no doubt about that - she had already seen how expendable the pilots were considered to be by Command. And this was not only about him, but Rei also; any reasons to think that Kaworu was not human were aspects that he shared with the First Child.

"Christ, Shinji. You have the worst taste in men." She muttered to herself as she slunk into a chair, rubbing her temples and trying to calm her nerves. She couldn't help but smile a bit. "Well, I guess that's another thing we have in common, then."

* * *

Shinji fidgeted endlessly in the back seat of the car. This wasn't right; whatever was happening was not sitting well with him. He almost laughed to himself when he thought of how different this feeling was from how he used to feel about these sorts of situations - during his first car ride in Tokyo-3, for instance, he hadn't even bothered to ask about what was happening or what that huge monster was that was thrashing about in the background. What was it now that made him so nervous?

The car slowly rolled to a stop outside what appeared to be an abandoned office building. The agent opened his door for him and he took a shaky step onto the gravel, steadying himself on the open door before following him inside. They came to a seemingly random office door when the anonymous agent knocked in a deliberate pattern of strikes before turning without a word and walking back to the front of the building. Shinji took a deep breath in as the door opened, Misato waving him inside, taking a quick look around before following him and closing the door behind her. The room looked like any typical office - a desk, a few chairs, a coffee table. The only light was a small desk lamp, and his eyes had to adjust to the dim evening glow coming in through the window as Misato sat on one side of the desk, motioning for Shinji to sit opposite her.

"Misato, I don't understand..." He began rather timidly as Misato reached into her bag and tossed a few manilla folders onto the desk top, pushing them towards him.

"There isn't much time left before I have to report back to headquarters." She said, her voice stern. "So I don't have time to hold your hand."

"Will you stop it?!" Shinji shocked himself with the outburst. Misato looked equally surprised, her hand frozen on top of the files sitting in front of him. Shinji averted her stare, focusing on the fists he had balled up in his lap, concentrating on steadying his voice. "What is going on, Misato?"

Misato sighed, sitting back in her chair. Shinji unclenched and clenched his hands a few times in the silence, not looking up to face her.

"Shinji, I'm just going to be upfront with you, because I think you deserve to know the truth." She said, her voice sounding far away and dampened now. "About Nagisa-kun."

Shinji looked up at this.

"What..._about_ Kaworu?" He asked, and he found himself unable to make it come out as anything but a hiss. Misato motioned towards the files once more.

"Why don't you take a look, while I explain."

* * *

Kaworu had tried and failed to browse three magazines at this point. He had settled for laying on his back on his bed, hands behind his head, and staring at the ceiling while he waited for Shinji's to come home. It had only been 20 minutes, but he was unaware because he had decided to stop looking at the clock. He couldn't help himself from bouncing his foot up and down with nervousness. Shinji had seemed very disturbed by the phone call, which meant there was more going on inside the brunette's head than he was saying in words.

When a knock came at the door he jumped up, his relief with the notion of Shinji's return clouding his sense of time and forcing him to ignore why Shinji would be knocking in the first place rather than just walking in. His heart sunk as the door swung open to reveal a being that was, in fact, not Shinji, though she bore a striking resemblance to him, to Kaworu's disdain. Almost as much of a resemblance that she bore to himself, which disturbed him even more.

"Nagisa-kun." Rei's softly acknowledged, stepping forward without invitation. Kaworu silently stepped aside and let her in. Every fiber in his body was slowly turning hostile, though he couldn't understand why.

"Ayanami-san." Kaworu finally responded as she stopped in the middle of his room, turning around slowly as she looked about. "Shinji-kun is not here at the moment, is there something I can help you with?" He said this to be polite. He, under no circumstances, wanted Rei anywhere in his room, or anywhere near him, for that matter. She stared at him dully, and he felt a shiver run up his spine.

"I know Ikari-kun is not present." She said slowly, expression not changing. "I came to speak with you."

"Oh?" Kaworu crossed his arms in front of his chest. He didn't know why he felt so angry. No, it wasn't anger that he was feeling. This feeling was much more familiar to him, and much more devastating in that way. Fear. He was afraid of her.

"I think..." She began, briefly looking down with a pause before returning to eye contact, taking steps towards him. "That I need to show you who you are, now."

"I'm not sure...I don't know what that means." Kaworu said, backing away slowly from her approach until his back was against the wall. His minor irritation and anxiety were now blooming into sheer terror as Rei stopped mere inches away from him, her eyes mirroring his own as she stared up at him.

"You will." She responded, reaching her hands out to him.

"Stop!" Kaworu's outburst was unintentional, his eyes focused on her hands pausing just short of contact. "Please...don't touch me." He remembered clearly how he felt the last time they had touched and, though he could not figure out why it had happened, he was quite sure that he would like very much to not feel that way ever again. It was like all of his worst sick days as a child rolled into one and compressed in his skull and his chest and his stomach, all within the instant of the light touch of her hand. He could feel himself begin to shake just at the thought of it. He couldn't even begin to consider about how strange the situation was; that Rei had shown up uninvited, was approaching him without explanation. All he could think of now was avoiding that feeling again.

"I'm sorry." Rei paused briefly, but did not lower her arms. "But...we must do this. For Ikari."

Kaworu did not have time to protest again before her hands were trailing up his face into his hair, fingertips dragging to the back of his scalp. The room began to spin slowly, and he could feel with an achingly surreal awareness his eyes rolling back into his head before his knees gave out from under him.

* * *

"None of this..." Shinji finally said, firmly gripping the files in his fingers, "...matters." Misato huffed in disappointment.

"You realize that this information is going straight to your father." She reminded him.

"None of this proves anything." Shinji repeated. "This is just a bunch of random information."

"It doesn't bother you in the slightest that Kaworu's exact arrival date to our facility was scheduled nearly ten years ago? That all of his personal information has been deleted from his records? That he is quite possibly a plant for SEELE?" Shinji could hear the anger begin to boil in her voice. He wondered if she would hit him again.

"I don't believe that." He said quietly, setting the files back on the desk.

"Well, you should!" Misato yelled, standing. Shinji turned his face away from her. "You should very well believe that he could be here to destroy everything we've worked for!"

"Like Kaji?" Shinji sounded more cruel than he had intended. Misato ignored it.

"You can't run away from the truth, Shinji." She responded instead, her hands gripping the edge of the desk. "Stop being so damn foolish!"

"I don't believe any of this!" Shinji shouted back, nearly knocking his chair over as he jumped up to match her aggression. He could feel his teeth grinding down, his heart pounding in his chest.

"Oh no?" Misato yanked a file from the pile, pulling out a glossy photo and shoving it towards Shinji's face. "So you don't believe this, then?" Shinji's eyes closed automatically and he turned away, suddenly and overwhelmingly nauseas. He had only briefly looked at that particular file as Misato was laying out all of her "research" - he couldn't bear to see it. The NERV Germany secret Dummy Plug system. The eyes of a hundred Kaworu's looked at him from the shiny photo, floating weightlessly in a tank of orange LCL.

"Please..." He coughed, covering his eyes with his hand. "Please, put that away."

"Why?" Misato asked quietly, sliding the photo back into the folder. "Why are you being so stubborn?"

"Because I love him." The silence hung between them as Shinji slowly sunk back in his chair, defeated. Misato followed his lead, her tone calming as she crossed her legs under the desk, resting her chin in her hand.

"So it's not that you don't believe any of it." She pointed out, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. "It's just that you don't care."

"It's both." Shinji was successfully keeping his tears at bay, though he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out. "I don't think that Kaworu is anything but what he says he is. Everything else...maybe he doesn't even know about it."

"Really." Misato's voice sounded skeptical as she raised an eyebrow at him. "And the Dummy Plug System?"

"That..." Shinji felt his breath stop in his throat. "I don't care about that."

"_Really._" Misato was laying it on thick.

"Rei...is her own person, I think, no matter where she came from." Shinji started, his tongue feeling heavy in his dry mouth. "Maybe...maybe there are more bodies that look like Kaworu...but the one here is _my_ Kaworu." He looked up at Misato finally, her eyes showing a glimmer of consideration. "I really don't believe that he knows about any of this, Misato. Why don't you ask him?"

"Oh, I plan to." She said, collecting her files and tossing them back in her bag. "In fact, you'll both more than likely be called in for questioning within the next 24 hours." Shinji swallowed hard when she said this, but he kept quiet.

"You need to be getting back, now." She said, standing up and walking around the desk.

"Okay." Shinji lifted himself up, exhausted, and walked towards the door behind her. His legs felt like they would give out from under him at any second.

"Listen, Shinji." Misato paused with her hand on the door, her back rising and falling with a deep breath before turning to face him. "What you said about Kaji..."

"Misato, I'm sorry." Shinji said, looking at his feet. He was not proud of using that weapon on her twice now.

"No, it's okay, because you're right." Misato placed a hand on his shoulder, though he found himself unable to meet her eyes. "When I found out about Kaji...it hurt. But I still believed in him, because..." She stopped, clearing her throat. "...because I loved him. And even though I don't think he was an evil person, his work is what led him to be killed. I couldn't protect him, because I didn't know him." She bent down now, both hands on Shinji's shoulders, forcing him to face her. "Do you understand what I am saying to you, Shinji?"

Shinji nodded, but barely, before his shoulders hunched in on themselves and the sobs he had been holding back this whole time came out in harsh breaths. Misato pulled him close and he allowed her to do so, her strong arms holding him tightly to her.

"I told you all these things because I care about you." She said as his shaking came under control. "I came to you first, before the Commander or anyone else, because this concerns you more than anyone. I believe in you, Shinji. I want you to believe in me, too."

"I know." Shinji rubbed at his eyes with the back of his wrist as Misato released him, standing up straight. "I'm sorry for...everything, lately."

"It's all right. And I promise that I'll respect your decisions from now on." She opened the door, giving a quick glance up and down the hallway before motioning towards the agent at the front entrance. "But please, understand that your decisions have consequences."

"I _know_, Misato." Shinji sighed as he stepped out of the room. Even he heard the adolescent sass in his voice and was sort of bored by it. Misato gave him a look, half aggravated and half amused, and he almost saw the old her there for a moment. It made him smile.

"Okay then." Misato smiled back at him, ruffling his hair. "Be safe, Shinji. I'll see you soon."

* * *

When Kaworu's mind settled enough to be aware of his senses once more, he found himself on his knees and clutching at the First Child's school skirt with aching fingers, his body shaking violently and his face noticeably sweating even though he was cold, so cold. Then the realization that no, it was not sweat that was rolling down his cheeks and chin, it was tears. He was crying?

Rei stood silently over him, one hand gently petting his hair, the other hanging limply at her side. He struggled over whether he wanted to push further up to extract every bit of comfort from her stroking as possible or to snap her wrist back and then proceed break every bone in her hand. "Conflict" was nowhere near strong enough of a word to describe what he was going through.

"How are you feeling, Tabris?" Rei spoke as Kaworu released her from his grip, sitting back onto his calves and cradling his head in his hands.

"Don't call me that." Kaworu groaned, the sound of both of their voices banging around the inside of his head as if they were the first noises he'd ever heard.

"That is your name, yes?" Rei asked, smoothing out the wrinkles he had left in her uniform.

"No. Yes." Kaworu wished she would stop talking out loud. "It is. But I would prefer it if you called me Kaworu."

"Understood." She knelt down beside him, holding her skirt in place underneath her as she took a seat on the floor. "I would prefer it if you called me Rei, as well."

"Mm." Kaworu peered at her through his fingers, her calm red eyes a strange reflection of his own wild ones. He suddenly felt the need to wretch and he bent further over towards the floor, his back curving as he tried to suppress the upheaval in his bones.

"It will take you a moment to adjust. Do not try to force it." Rei noted quietly, digging into the breast pocket of her uniform shirt and producing a small red capsule. "Here, this should help you through the night. I would not be surprised if some of your Integrity medications have been replaced with placebos since you've been sent here."

Kaworu took the pill and swallowed it dry. As much as he wanted to distrust her, he found that he was unable.

"I am...trying to organize...is that the correct word?" Kaworu sighed, wrapping his arms around his legs and drawing his knees into his chest. "I can't remember."

"I understand." Rei responded, and Kaworu closed his eyes at the comfort of her statement. As cold as she appeared to be, he could feel a maternalism emanating from her very being. He wondered if that was because her children had been the ones to survive. "I was awakened in a controlled state, over the last few weeks. This is probably quite disturbing for you."

"Yes." Kaworu agreed, keeping his eyes shut as his body began to settle back into its skin. "I am...thankful? Yes, grateful to you. But also...upset." His eyes opened, and focused on her, but calmer now. "I do not understand why you did this."

"But you are aware that I did nothing to you." Rei remained stoic. "This is who you are. You would have awoken at some point in time, now that you are so close to your other self. And to me."

"Yes, I know." He sighed. "I can feel them already. It feels...sad."

"Lonely." Rei corrected, and Kaworu nodded slightly in agreement. The anger and fear he had towards her was rapidly melting into empathy, even if there was a slight hint of rivalry remaining.

"I can easily understand how the Lilin would feel towards my kind..." He said. "But you've been imprisoned by your own progeny."

"Yes." Rei said, her gaze shifting towards the window and into the darkening sky. "I suppose that's correct."

"Are you not tired?" He asked sincerely.

"At times." She answered. "But they are a part of me, and so are the choices they make." She turned back to him, eyes slightly downcast. "And, like you, I am not entirely Lilith. I am also Rei Ayanami."

"That is of a small comfort. We are trapped...even as Lilin children they have controlled every breath from our bodies." Kaworu shrugged, letting his shoulders relax back and his legs stretch out onto the floor. "It does not seem to me that our current fates are all that dissimilar to our ancestral selves."

"No, perhaps not." She agreed. "But, though you and Commander Ikari both host Adam, you are not the same person. And Tabris is not Kaworu Nagisa, though you are the same person. We are shaped by our interactions with others, even if they have been restricted."

"Gendo Ikari...Shinji's father..." Kaworu began to look around the room suddenly, eyes darting from place to place, brows lowered in concentration. Something felt off. Rei watched him for a few moments before speaking again.

"I've taken the liberty of altering the feed of the monitoring equipment in your quarters." She explained. "You can most likely feel the energy that they are giving off, now that you are sensing things more clearly."

"Ah." Kaworu calmed himself, nodding at this new sensation. "Still, I am unclear as to your motivations...you are a creation of Shinji's father, yes?" Rei blinked neutrally in response. The sharing of some personal information about one another could not have been avoided by waking him in the manner that she did. "So it is in your best interest to catch me off guard, to destroy me efficiently, I would assume."

"Those are his best interests, yes." Rei folded her hands on her lap. "And he would most likely have done so if he had definitive knowledge that you are the 17th Angel. Or if you had made the first strike."

"Your motivations differ, then?" Kaworu could feel the tug of an amused smile at the corner of his lips.

"I'm...not entirely sure." She looked down at her hands, her blue hair falling softly from behind her ears. "At one point, I would have gladly given myself to whatever use he deemed necessary. But recently...I've grown to care about others besides him."

"About Shinji." Kaworu said bluntly. "He told me that you sacrificed yourself to save him during your last battle." He did not feel jealous, not really - he had felt enough of her to know that her feelings towards Shinji were not the same as his own, or at least not as well developed, though she did feel rather affectionately towards him. He was glad for anyone in Shinji's life that cared for him. But that didn't change the fact that she was strongly connected to his father, and that alone made Kaworu apprehensive.

"Yes, Ikari...I think that I have learned much from him." Rei's mouth gently curved into a barely noticeable smile. "This body has only been Rei for a short time, but some memories have been coming back. Though I am not sure why he is so concerned for me. Maybe he is reminded of his mother in some way, even though he doesn't seem to recognize me as such."

"It is because he is genuinely kind." Kaworu answered for her, his smile matching her own. Rei looked over at him, pushing her hair back out of her eyes.

"You truly love him." She was not asking. Kaworu nodded anyway; it made him feel good to affirm it.

"My feelings have not changed." He said, more to himself than her, relief dripping from his words. "Tabris' heart is my own."

"I am glad to hear that." Rei stood now, straightening herself. "I came to you because, when the time comes, I want you to do what is right for Ikari. And you cannot protect him if you do not know yourself."

"I see." Kaworu stood after her, balancing himself through a head rush by placing his hand lightly against the wall. "And what about you? What will you do?"

"I have not decided yet." She said, her voice travelling far away from him as she turned towards the door.

"I will protect him from you, if I must." He said, voice heavy with promise.

"That is acceptable." She said, her back to him as she opened the door to leave. "I will leave additional medications for you in your locker tomorrow."

The door closed silently behind her.

* * *

Shinji had pressed himself against the car door, hand gripping the handle as he suffered through the ride home. He probably looked rather strange to the agent driving him, but he didn't care - sitting tensed and ready to jump out of the car was the only thing keeping him from completely breaking down. When they finally pulled to a stop outside of the apartment, he nearly fell over himself scrambling to get out, pushing through the front glass doors and taking the stairs two at a time to get to their floor. He had to get all of this out of himself. He didn't even care what Kaworu's answers were at this point - as long as at the end of them, there was still _I love you_. He realized now what it was that had made him so nervous through this whole situation where before he would be apathetic at best - he actually cared about someone else's life...and that had taught him to care about his own life.

"Kaworu!" Shinji panted as he rushed through the door, eyes immediately adjusting to the dark room inside. He could make out Kaworu's pale glow seated on the edge of the futon, arms wrapped around his shins. He looked up at Shinji lazily, as if he were just waking up.

"Shinji..." He said slowly, straightening himself. "Are you all right?"

"No! I mean, I'm okay, but..." The words stopped in Shinji's mouth as he caught his breath. What if Kaworu knew about all these things? Almost worse, what if he didn't? How would even even begin to explain...Shinji sat next to Kaworu on the futon, switching on the bedside lamp. Had he been paying attention, he would have noticed that Kaworu's slight glow remained now, even in the light.

"We need to talk about what Misato said." Shinji finally said decisively.

And then it all came out. All the documents Misato had gathered in Germany. All of the suspicions that she had shared, and was planning on reporting to his father. Even the Dummy Plug system, though he explained that last and a bit more gently, both to protect Kaworu's feelings and because he was still coming to terms with it himself. Kaworu's face remained rather neutral, to Shinji's surprise, but it was not uncharacteristic for him to be composed under pressure, especially since Shinji was so obviously a mess.

"But did you know about any of this, Kaworu?" Shinji leaned forward earnestly when Kaworu remained silent after the outpour. "You didn't, right?"

"Ah...no." Kaworu smiled, though his eyes remained wide and his face a bit gray.

"Oh, thank god." Shinji threw his arms around Kaworu's sunken shoulders, oblivious to the way Kaworu's arms were slightly shaking as they returned his embrace. "I told Misato that. I _told_ her."

"I was aware that SEELE was involved with my selection as a pilot, but I did not think that was unusual." Kaworu said quietly.

"You're taking this so well." Shinji noted, pushing a tuft of silver hair out of Kaworu's eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Oh, yes." Kaworu smiled weakly. "It's just...quite a bit to think about."

"Listen, I want you to know that none of that stuff matters to me!" Shinji tried to be reassuring, placing Kaworu's hands down on his waist and shifting closer. "We'll get all of this sorted out with Misato, and we'll get the whole story. We'll just tell her the truth. Okay?"

Kaworu did not respond, and his head hung low, his hair covering his eyes once again. Shinji could feel him shaking now, and he worried that it all had really been too much for him to take in all at once. But before he could say anything, Kaworu gripped his waist and pulled him in, spinning him around so that he was sitting in between Kaworu's legs, his back against Kaworu's slightly heaving chest, one pale arm wrapping around his torso so tightly that he felt his ribs creak under the pressure. Kaworu's free hand went over Shinji's mouth, firm enough that Shinji's protests about Kaworu's binding hold came out as muffled noises. This also held Shinji's head in place against Kaworu's shoulder, which he realized when he found he was unable to turn his head towards the source of the jagged breath against his ear.

"Shinji, just be still for a moment." Kaworu murmured low as Shinji's wriggled in his grasp. "Be still and listen."

Shinji complied, though he could feel his heart thudding in his chest. He reminded himself that he trusted Kaworu and relaxed a bit in his arms, resting his hands on each of Kaworu's legs on either side of him.

"I need to tell you something that will be upsetting to you. I'm holding you like this because I want you to listen to me until I've explained myself adequately, and if you interrupt me I may lose my will." Kaworu continued, his voice darker than Shinji had ever remembered it. Shinji did not understand what he could be talking about...he had just said that he didn't know anything about Misato's findings. Shinji could not voice this concern. Instead, he brought a hand up to rest on the one Kaworu was clutching his rib cage with, patting it softly. He felt Kaworu sigh heavily against his neck.

"I was being truthful when I said that I did not know about any of the information that Misato gave you." Kaworu began slowly. "And...you must believe me when I tell you that I have only just discovered what I am about to say. But Misato was indeed right to be suspicious of me and my presence here."

Shinji tried to question Kaworu at this, but the pale fingers binding his mouth did not relent.

"Shinji, I am the 17th Angel."

The words had not quite sunk into Shinji's ears before he tried to rationalize them away. Of course, Kaworu did not mean what he just said _literally_. There must be some additional explanation coming, some sort of metaphoric lesson Kaworu was trying to convey.

"I have always been the Angel..." Kaworu continued, and Shinji felt his stomach begin to churn cold. "But it has been dormant inside of me until now. SEELE has sent me here, for what exact purpose I am unsure, but..." A soft exhale as Kaworu caught his breath. "But, after everything that you just told me, I believe that they sent me here to either awaken on my own and begin Third Impact, or to die while I am still under control and weak." Kaworu tightened his embrace around Shinji, and then let his arms relax. "I'm going to let go of you now, okay? Please...do not run from me."

Kaworu's arms lifted from around Shinji, and Shinji turned to face him, trying to to keep his breath steady. Kaworu kept his eyes on Shinji, his expression a mix of worry and shame, his fingers trembling against his knees. Shinji huffed and closed his eyes, a sad smirk crossing his lips.

"Idiot." He said at last, looking back up to Kaworu's surprised face. "I would never run from you."

Kaworu blinked a few times at Shinji's smile, and Shinji felt like the entire world around them let out a relieved sigh when Kaworu smiled back. Kaworu lifted his hand up, as if to stroke Shinji's face or hair, but it fell just short of touching him, landing down on his leg instead as Kaworu buried his face against his chest.

"Thank you..." Kaworu whispered, his voice unsteady and tired but overjoyed. "Thank you, Shinji..."

Shinji nuzzled his face into Kaworu's messy hair. It felt and smelled just the same as it always did. Kaworu's body felt just the same as it always did when he pulled him in close, the two of them just hugging quietly for a few minutes in the dim glow of the bedside light. His voice sounded just the same as it always did when he let out a little pleased hum against Shinji's collar bone as Shinji ruffled his hair. Kaworu was the same Kaworu he knew; that's all that Shinji cared about.

* * *

It was already a given that they would be up all night talking. Kaworu switched off the lamp and pulled the blanket over the two of them, enshrining them in a soft cotton cocoon, their hands searching in the dark for each other's faces and bodies while their eyes adjusted. It made Kaworu miserable to think that only that morning he had planned to read Shinji more poetry, to pick out a favorite piece of theirs to play together at the abandoned school auditorium, to be doing essentially anything together that wasn't tinted with fears of being separated or imprisoned or worse. But he still couldn't help but smile when Shinji's forehead nestled into the crook of his neck and when Shinji's thin, calloused fingers gripped just a little too hard onto his shoulders.

Shinji, quite naturally, had an endless stream of questions that Kaworu tried his best to answer, though he felt that his explanations fell rather short of the true reality of things. Lilin words, he was finding, were rather limited in scope, and his human brain was still aligning with his soul and making sense of the almost unlimited amount of new knowledge within him.

"You are still...Kaworu?" Shinji first whispered, fingers twitching with nervousness against Kaworu's skin.

"Well...yes." Kaworu tried to smile reassuringly. It was an understandable question. "I may have not realized it, but this has always been myself. I would say that I'm just...aware of it now. But all the things you know of me are still true."

Shinji nodded slowly and Kaworu couldn't help but laugh a little.

"I'm sorry, that sounds very abstract when I hear it out loud." Kaworu put his fingers to his lips, hiding his smile. "I hope that you can forgive me. I am trying my best."

"N-no...I understand...I think..." Shinji smiled meekly in return, but it disappeared quickly. "And the Germany Dummy Plug system...are they all Angels too, then?"

"No, I can't imagine how they could be." Kaworu shook his head. "It would be too difficult to manage. They are most likely back-up vessels in case..." He paused and waited for a flash of nausea to subside. "In case this vessel is destroyed."

"Like Ayanami..." Shinji muttered. "Ayanami...they used her for the Dummy System too...do you think...is she...?"

"That is, perhaps, something you need to speak to her about." Kaworu interrupted. "I don't feel at liberty to discuss the nature of anyone but myself." He had intended that statement to be decisive, but felt that he might have given more away than he intended by his avoidance. Shinji nodded again, but did not look happy with his answer.

And so on and so forth, each answer he gave only leading to another question, deep into the night. Kaworu found himself loving Shinji even more profoundly than he thought possible; he had uncovered this part of himself - no, truly his _entire_ self - and Shinji had embraced him. Shinji had embraced what was supposed to be his enemy. Kaworu wasn't a monster - Shinji's love had redeemed him.

"I am sorry that I have put you in this position, Shinji..." Kaworu kissed Shinji's forehead gently as his hands found their way underneath the back of Shinji's under shirt, and he was happy to feel that Shinji shivered at his touch just as he had always done before. "I do not wish to be a burden on you."

"It's okay..."Shinji smiled, snuggling himself closer into Kaworu's embrace. "And you're not a burden. I don't mind all this, if it's you."

"Still...I would not have blamed you for being afraid of me, or angry, even." Kaworu lifted Shinji's chin so that they faced one another, brushing the tip of his nose against Shinji's lightly.

"No...I don't feel those..." Shinji said, his eyelids heavy with thought. "I think...I think I already sort of knew, actually...maybe not knew, but felt, that you were different, somehow."

"Mm?" Kaworu murmured, bending his neck forward to kiss Shinji's earlobe. "Really?"

"Especially...um...when we...you know." Shinji blushed. "The other night...I thought I felt you sort of...coming into me..." Kaworu grinned and raised his eyebrows at that. He couldn't help but be a little light-hearted...everything was so serious and kind of scary at the moment. Shinji pinched him, blushing deeper.

"Sorry, sorry..." Kaworu laughed, taking Shinji's hand and kissing it in apology.

"That's not what I meant!"

"Yes, I know, please continue."

"Well...it just felt like I suddenly could feel things that I wasn't meant to feel." Shinji sighed, frustrated. "None of this makes any sense, I'm sorry. I don't know how to explain it better."

"No, I understand your meaning." Kaworu rubbed his face against Shinji's palm. "I think it is my instinct to merge with the human desire for intimacy that causes that."

"Merge?" Shinji blinked at him, confused.

"Ah...I feel this...physical need to find my source. It's...a sort of overwhelming feeling inside me, a drive to add to and become part of something greater than myself. The closest human need would be for love, I think." Kaworu found this particularly difficult to describe, as he could scarcely understand it himself. It was like trying to explain the drive to learn, to grow, to live - all things that humans experience but rarely stop to consider.

"Is that what all the Angels wanted?" Shinji's voice was heavy with realization. "Is that why they attack?"

"I cannot speak of their motives, as their consciousnesses were surely different than mine to a certain extent, but I believe that you are correct, yes."'

"But...why do they come here?" Shinji's breath was heavy. Kaworu realized that this was a lot for him, all at once, but he felt it was his responsibility to share whatever knowledge he could with Shinji, even it was painful.

"Because the sources of all Angel and human life are within the possession of NERV. Adam and Lilith both dwell underground, here in Tokyo-3." Kaworu answered quietly.

* * *

Shinji let at an exasperated noise and bumped his forehead against Kaworu's breastbone. There seemed to be no end to the things he didn't know and barely understood. Part of him wanted to just stop right there, call it a night, try to go to bed and put this all off until another time. But he was keenly aware that the time for this might short, and he wanted to know as much as was possible to know while he still could.

"So...Angels come from Adam..." He muttered against Kaworu's chest, slowly sorting out each idea.

"That's correct. And humanity comes from Lilith, who is not from Adam, but is kin to Adam." Kaworu continued for him. "Like brother and sister, I suppose."

"Then...what does that make humans?" Shinji turned his face upwards. He was trying very hard to ask the right questions.

"Lilim...humans...collectively, are a type of Angel." Kaworu's fingers threaded through his hair, an immense comfort to Shinji for such a small gesture. "Lilith and Adam have only so much life force to give. Lilith's was split into billions of minds and souls - Lilim possess the Fruit of Knowledge, and chose individuality and discovery as their crown characteristics. Their souls separate them into persons who are incapable of knowing one other, even though they are part of a greater being. Angels of Adam are few, but they possess the Fruit of Life - they are complete beings with unimaginable abilities beyond that of a single human. Their souls are expressed as what you know as an A.T. Field. Lilin souls are just your version of the A.T. Field."

"But...why do we have to fight each other? I don't get it." Shinji was trying to to not let any of this go over his head, but he was starting to wonder if that was really possible.

"Because we are not fated to exist together in this world." Kaworu sighed, words sinking heavy between the two of them. "It is our natural drive to to eliminate one another for survival."

"I don't want that, though!" Shinji exclaimed. He wasn't speaking about Lilim and Angels now, but about himself and Kaworu.

"No, I don't wish that either." Kaworu said, brushing his fingers along Shinji's jawline. "But what you and I want is irrelevant to others. SEELE sent me here for a reason. Your father is housing Lilith and Adam here within the city for a reason."

"My...father..." Shinji closed his eyes tightly. He was just about done with all of this.

"Shinji, Impact is not just about the erasure of one type of life or another." Kaworu said, tone becoming serious to match Shinji's fatigue. "Adam merging with Lilith would create a mass mingling of Lilim consciousness. Individuality will be lost, along with with the pain, loneliness, happiness, and comfort that come along with it. I think that SEELE and your father...together or separately...are planning on utilizing this to some advantage of their own."

"Um." Shinji rubbed the back of his head vigorously before sighing again. "What are we going to do? What should we do?"

"Let's just get through the next day or two, for now." Kaworu tried to smile, but it wasn't very convincing to Shinji. "We still don't know very much about the situation that we're in."

"And the questionings?"

"Don't worry about me, I can handle that." Kaworu laced his fingers into Shinji's, grasping tightly. "But do not put yourself in danger for my sake. Tell them whatever you need to keep yourself safe."

"We're protecting each other." Shinji reminded Kaworu firmly, and Kaworu nodded with an affectionate smile. Kaworu thought briefly about convincing Shinji to just run off with him, to go into hiding, but he knew that it was impossible. They wouldn't make it out of Tokyo-3 alive.

"I'm sorry, I wish I could explain this all better to you." Kaworu rubbed his hands up and down the skin of Shinji's back, and Shinji melted into the touch.

"It's all right..." Shinji murmured, repeating Kaworu's motion by gently caressing his pale chest. "You're the only person that's ever told me what's going on when I've asked." He was silent for a few moments, just letting Kaworu's presence calm him in the dark. He wanted to understand everything better, not for himself, but for Kaworu's sake. He wanted to be able to protect him from whatever might be coming. He had to be stronger.

"Kaworu?" He spoke finally, and Kaworu _mm_ed in response. "What happened the other night...that was what you were calling 'merging'?"

"Yes...sort of." Kaworu blushed faintly in the dark, his pale cheeks glowing. "It's what happens when you and I let our individual boundaries down...our minds and souls coexist in the same space, and we can potentially become one in a very real sense. But..." His red eyes flashed downward. "I really must apologize for that...it was not intentional, and I should not have encroached on you in that manner without your permission."

"Well..." Shinji breathed, both nervous and a little thrilled at what he was about to say. "You have my permission now."

Kaworu's eyes widened a little and Shinji felt his hands slow to a halt on his back, pressing firmly now rather than rubbing.

"I'm not sure I understand." Kaworu said, though the wanting tone in his voice told Shinji that he had understood _perfectly_ well what he was getting at.

"It's something that you need, right?" Shinji asked, his hands shaking a bit as they slid down Kaworu's chest to his abdomen. "I want you to want to merge with _me_, not with anything else." His lips found Kaworu's neck softly, and Kaworu shivered against him.

"Shinji..." Kaworu swallowed, and Shinji could feel his pulse quicken against his lips. "It's been a long day, and I don't want you to feel pressured..."

"I don't feel pressured." Shinji said unwaveringly. "It has been a long day, you're right. And I want to feel something other than upset. I like being with you like this. And I liked what happened the other night. I want to share everything with you. I want you to share everything with me. I want to know you. Is..." He paused, looking up at Kaworu, who's face was so loving and pretty he could hardly stand it. "Is that okay with you?"

Kaworu nodded, eyes now heavy-lidded and dark, and took Shinji's lips quickly with his own.

* * *

Kaworu hoped that Shinji really understood what he had just asked for, because he wasn't certain he could stop himself at this point. He had spent his entire life struggling to be composed, to be calm, to blend into the background, to maintain a certain distance in order to survive. As Shinji let out a quivering sigh against his mouth, all that work became meaningless. He wanted nothing else but to become close to Shinji, as close as he possibly could; to sink into his very being, to be invaded by him. The intense ache he felt to rejoin with his roots became merely a dull nag in the back of his mind. Intrinsically, Adam and Lilith were not something he could choose to ignore now - but here, pressed up against the only person he had ever loved by choice, he could not help but to choose Shinji again, Shinji over all else, perhaps including his own instinct to live on.

But oh, how could he not die for this? The way Shinji reacted to every touch, his body somehow jumping up to meet his fingertips. The way his blue eyes lifted demurely up to meet his own, shyly letting Kaworu slowly peel his clothing from his body, his face flushing with modesty even as he lie exposed and waiting beneath him. The way Shinji would sweetly whisper his name when he was touched where Shinji was most longing, a gentle begging that made Kaworu want to do anything, _anything_, to sate him. Kaworu would destroy the world for him without a second thought, would crawl on hands and knees for the rest of his life if it meant he could brush his lips against Shinji's inner thigh the way he was doing now.

"Mmm...Kaworu..." Shinji's breath was warm against his ear as Kaworu continued to roll his pelvis against the brunette's underneath him, a small yelp following his name.

"Mhm, what is it?" Kaworu muttered, nipping Shinji's throat. He fully intended to leave marks this night.

"I can...I can still come back after this, right?"

"Of course, if that is what you wish."

Shinji let out a relaxed sigh and let his hands lazily trail up and down the sides of Kaworu's torso as Kaworu continued to leave love bites all over his neck and shoulders. Kaworu could feel it coming now, not just the want to be with Shinji physically but the compulsory need to join to him - a powerful and all-consuming drive that was slowly tearing down the soul force separating him as an individual being. He let out a low sound, not quite inhuman but on the verge of it, as he positioned himself against Shinji, and wove his fingers through silky brown hair while his forehead rested against Shinji's tan shoulder as he gently pushed inside.

* * *

For a brief moment, all was light. Blinding, permeating white light - it filled every vessel, every cell of Shinji's body, until he thought that perhaps he had always been just light all along, his physical form some strange dream that no longer mattered. The feeling of his heart pounding came back first, the white light pulsing to dark red and back again, fading away as he became more and more aware of his own thready breath, of his hands holding roughly onto shaking arms, of Kaworu's body on top of him and inside of him and all around him.

_It's all right, you can let go now..._ The voice came, and he could not tell if he or Kaworu had said it, or maybe just thought it. Long, thin fingers were sliding back and forth against his scalp and he watched as Kaworu lifted his face, their eyes locking as he felt Kaworu push slowly inside of him again. Shinji opened his mouth, though no noise came out, and Kaworu watched him steadily, the vibrant crimson of his eyes washing over Shinji, pulling him in like an undertow, and Shinji felt himself swelling and opening, expanding, relinquishing.

Then came a sort of curious bliss. Whose hand was touching where? Where those his lips trailing across Kaworu's throat, or was it the other way around? There was a mess of legs and mouths and fingers and he could feel them all at once, all over him, all over Kaworu. Shinji tried to look up at him and found that he was looking down at himself, and he couldn't help but let out a delirious giggle and arch his back in delight. He could feel Kaworu (or himself?) smile, pleased - proud, even - and then _oh, yes, God, more of that_...

* * *

Kaworu rather enjoyed this little display as Shinji lost himself to the first waves of merging; so much so that he was tempted to keep him just like this, in limbo between being truly separate and truly joined, writhing joyously about underneath him. What a shame it was that, to live in this world and in this form, Shinji had to remain locked within the barrier of his own soul. He was nothing short of breathtaking as he revealed himself, bit by bit.

He felt as Shinji's legs wrapped wantonly around his waist (had he made that happen?) and could feel Shinji's adoration flow into him like a flooding river. How insignificant everything was in comparison to this - the earth and its people, Adam and Lilith, Angels and Lilim - what meaningless nonsense next to Shinji's love drowning him, filling his lungs and heart until he had no choice but to push forward, to open completely.

* * *

Who was inside who now?

_It's irrelevant._ Smile. Affection.

_This is it?_ Shinji's physical form had seemly dissolved, but he could still feel when his body jerked and panted as Kaworu left a firm bite mark on his chest.

_This is part of it. This is just you and I. Third Impact would be all people, with no physical forms left to anchor them to this life. _Another bite.

_You're really enjoying that_.

_Well, you rarely stay still long enough for me to taste you like this._ Another smile.

_I feel really strange...I'm having a hard time telling us apart, but we are also talking?_ Blue eyes, blue eyes.

_Yes, our egos are only just starting to explore one another._ Red eyes, red eyes. _And I am regulating this to an extent...I've never done this before._

Kaworu, kitchen knife held awkwardly in his one hand, a mangled radish under the other. Shinji had just touched him for the first time. _"_I'm sorry, I've never done this before_."_

_Oh!_ Kaworu's tongue following the pulse of Shinji's neck.

_Just go at your own pace_. Comfort. Silver hair brushing against his lips.

Shinji gripping tightly onto the handlebars of his new tricycle. It had seemed so fun and exciting when it was by itself in front of him. He was sitting on it now, and it was terrifying. His mother's hands gently wrapped over top of his own, hers so much bigger and softer than his, and he relaxed instantly. "It's okay, Shin-chan. Just go at your own pace._"_

Kaworu couldn't make his heart slow down for nearly an hour after the new medical assistant forgot to put on a new pair of gloves before lifting him by his hands from the examination table and setting him onto the floor. He had never felt another's skin before. He could hear her being scolded almost as soon as the door was closed behind him. She was not allowed to work there again after that.

Shinji let a finger trail lightly along the thickest string of the cello in his uncle's attic. It was surprisingly rough and tickled his fingertip as he went from top to bottom. He wiped the dust away from its curves with the sleeve of his jacket. The wood was shiny and smooth, and he imagined a warmth coming from the inside of it as he let his hand rest carefully against its side. He could feel his mother. Had she left this here for him?

Kaworu felt embarrassed that he was vomiting in front of the doctor. She had given him a small pink basin so that he wouldn't make a mess, which he was grateful for, but she did not look pleased at this interruption of her examination. He couldn't help it. He had been sick since yesterday. When he was done she took the basin away and cleaned his mouth with a wet wipe, and even though her hands were gloved he couldn't help but let out a longing whimper when he felt her finger brush the corner of his mouth. He wanted someone to hug him again.

_Kaworu_...Shinji's body tightly wound its limbs around the angel. The feeling of endless gratitude.

Shinji had started going to the library after school rather than to his uncle's house. Now that they were getting older, his cousin really didn't want Shinji near him when his friends were around. He hadn't said this out loud, but Shinji got the hint. Sometimes there would be leftovers from dinner when he got home, sometimes not. He lost a lot of weight that year. Nobody noticed.

Kaworu only smiled when his angry classmate shoved him up against the wall behind the school, snarling some sort of grievance over Kaworu having caught the eye of his lady-love. He got the feeling it wouldn't matter much to tell this boy that he was not interested in whatever girl this male was talking about, and Kaworu couldn't help but start laughing at how utterly vicious he was trying to look. The boy did not realize just how thrilling it was to be touched outside of of a doctor's office or a laboratory, even if it was in anger. Kaworu walked back to his quarters at NERV with a split bottom lip, grinning like a madman.

_You've always been kind...even to those that were hurting you..._

_It wasn't kindness, exactly...more like detachment..._

_Yes, I can understand that, also..._

Evangelion Unit 01. Mother's big day. Flashing lights, loud noises, screaming. Father looked at him differently after that. Maybe some kids are not good enough to be loved.

_I love you..._

What was it that made these children cling to their parents' legs like that? And what did it feel like when the parent reached their hand down, patting the child's hair softly? Kaworu put his small white hand up against the window glass, watching quietly. Something inside of him hurt.

_I love you..._

"Shinji-kun, would it be okay if I held your hand?"

_I want to touch you..._

"Kaworu-kun? Can I...would you mind if I sat closer to you?"

_I want to be here with you..._

Something ancient, not human, yet still somehow very human. Terrifying and beautiful. A solitary and incomplete existence.

Something broken and tired, still so young and small and weak in comparison. Not worth noticing. Not worth caring about. Not worth anything.

_Thank you...for accepting me._

_I want you to be here with me._

It felt like music in their bones as they began to separate; bodies released and spent, minds full and lush with one another. Kaworu had not even shifted off from on top of Shinji before he fell asleep, eyes fluttering closed as his breathing slowed, hands flat and hair spread out against Shinji's heaving chest. Shinji was not far behind him, the room growing dimmer as his eyes unfocused in the dark, even when it felt like his head was overflowing with golden light.


End file.
